


LOVER

by Swellwriting



Series: LOVER [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Album fic, F/M, Lover - Freeform, Series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2020-11-09 07:03:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20849438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swellwriting/pseuds/Swellwriting
Summary: Lover is an album fic, it follows the songs through the entire album, each song inspires a chapter ultimately creating one giant story (18 parts). The story jumps through time following the tragic yet lovely love story between The Spring Soldier and The Winter Soldier.It’s a story about the heartbreak that comes with losing your memories and forgetting someone you love.





	1. I Forgot That You Existed

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO Welcome to my newest series! I really hope you all enjoy it. You can come talk to me on my tumblr @swellwriting for any questions or comments or in my inbox here as well!!! This story is a write as I go type story so your opinions and ideas on what should happen next really matter to me so let me know what you love or even hate!!! :)) thanks for reading <3 u
> 
> Bucky x Reader/ The Winter Soldier x Reader
> 
> Word Count: 2.7k
> 
> Warnings: Just violence for this chapter.

Hydra had fallen and S.H.E.I.L.D had fallen with it, given they were truly one and the same in the end. But just because the secret was out, it did not mean that Hydra had gone extinct. They thrived working in the shadows and casting new light just made more shadows in new places for them to hide. Like rats they scurry from one safe place to another, making new hidden bases, moving back and rebuilding old ones. That was their dumbest tactic. 

On their tails, they had the Avengers chasing them, and the Avengers weren't easy to hide from since they seemed to be growing in numbers every day. 

To make matters worse for them, because you just loved to make things worse for the organization that ruined your life and stole it from you in more ways than you could count, they had  _ you _ , their very own prized “Asset Number 2” who was living just to continue to kill them all. You wouldn't stop until you could safely say that Hydra was a thing of the past.

And any new organizations like Hydra that came up, you would put their fire out before they could burn someone else as they did to you, as they did to  _ him. _

You would search for intel, scan digital global maps, return to old bases trying to find where the disease of Hydra had spread to next. Hydra was right to call themselves by this name, Lerneaen Hydra being the type of monster that when you cut one head off, two more would grow in its place. It was tiring chasing after the “heads” but what else was their really to do with your life, with your abilities, work in a small town diner? Not a chance.

You consider for a moment what it would be like, serving drinks with a cherry fake smile, winking at men that made your stomach curl for an extra tip, and then bringing them out back and slitting their throats for trying to put a hand up your short uniform skirt? It would just never work out.

The explosive device you had set on the door goes off, blowing your hair back and spreading a bit of heat against your cheeks.

“That was a close one.” You thought aloud, feeling your face to make sure your eyebrows were still there. You had been looking into this specific base for a long time, you were tired of trying to figure out passwords and lock codes so you did a small heist of the local police department armoury and decided the loud and proud approach was more your style today. The alarms blared like music to your ears.

“That's right,  _ panic _ , scurry around like rats, grab a weapon, it won't help you.” You say in a sing-song voice, purely for your own amusement, it had been a long while since you had had a partner to joke with.

You grab your .44 magnum revolver from your thigh holster, lean up against the wall and listen for nearing footsteps around the corner, you check and make sure you have all nine bullets loaded and when you hear the tip tap of the scurrying rats you duck down and peer around the corner, shooting upward as the men run towards you in blind panic. There were six of them, you counted each one as you put a bullet in their heads, even as they realized you were there and went to turn and run you were too fast. 

You took a moment to admire your work because hell if you didn't who else would? 

The men wore bleachy white lab coats now stained in their own dark blood, “damn lab rats,” you say with a spite filled yet satisfied grunt as you spit on their bodies.

You look down the hallway, no one else seems to be there but you know better than to waltz down there with only three bullets left. You grab a grenade off your hip, pull the pin and hold it to your lips as you count to three before dramatically rolling it down the long hallway like a bowling ball until it hits the door at the end and stops.

You hear men begin to yell “grenade” but your timing’s too  _ perfect _ , they don't even finish the word before their lips are probably blown right off their faces.

“Strike!” You congratulate your self as you slowly stride down the hallway, a swagger to your step. Fuck a diner, this was what you were good at. You excelled at this. 

One of the men wasn't quite dead, you walk up to him, stick the heel of your boot into his chest where the skin is torn open and then kiss the blade of your knife before pushing it through his heart. You fake a frown as you watch the light leave his eyes.

“Awe just a spare, you ruined my streak!”

As if human lives were equivalent to bowling pins, but in your mind, the lives of Hydra officers were lower, even lower than an inanimate object, but can anyone blame you, they treated you the same way.

You skip down the hallway, twirling your knife in your hands until you think you hear a noise, holstering your knife you grab your prized AP4 gun off your back and hold it up to your line of sight, tired of the dramatics and wanting to see Hydra blood splattered on the walls of their underground steel hell box.

You find nothing and no one as you kick the door to the lab open.

In total there were only a few lab rats and couple meek soldier mice? Hydra must be feeling the pressure you've been putting on them lately, _ good _ .

You plug in your USB and start the download of all their files, this will help you figure out what Hydra’s up to and where their other basses might be.

You hear a noise down the hall, one expertly quiet footstep that only a super-soldier would notice, you should have checked the surroundings before you left your back so open, someone comes in and you raise your gun at them about to yell at them to drop their weapon, until you realize you are being held up by a man with a bow and arrow. 

You laugh for a moment, he shoots an arrow as you lower your gun and you catch it, breaking it in half thanks to your super-soldier strength and laugh. Your laugh fades to shock when someone walks in beside him, his gun is covering part of his face but you recognize that metal arm, that messy hair that needs to be trimmed,  _ his face _ as he lowers the gun a bit to look at you.

“Winter?” You ask, losing all of your focus as your mind panics and before you realize the stupid arrow guy shot again, right into your stomach, it feels like a sharp pain, it goes straight up your spine and into your head making your vision go blank and your stomach ache. You're lying on the ground, when did you fall?

“Fuck,” you say but it comes out so quiet and you feel so weak, you squeeze your fingers to stay awake, to focus but something is wrong, something is so very wrong.

You hear faint footsteps.

“Someone already cleared out this base, I'm assuming it's our gal there that you shot in the stomach without thinking.” Says a voice you swear sounds like Tony Stark, or at least how he sounds on tv.

“She was pointing a gun at me!” Clint defends and Bucky chuckles as he walks over to you, you’re alive and struggling on the floor, like an animal, helpless and visibly angry about it as you grab at your stomach.

“She’s not dead,” Bucky confirms as he grabs your hand, but he doesn't look at you like he knows who you are, he doesn't look sad to see you dying on the floor. And as the pain fills your body, as your head pounds against your skull, your eyes water, your mouth tastes tangy like metal you realize he has no idea who you are, your eyes go wide as you desperately try to speak to him, but you spit up blood which horrifies him.

“Impossible, I'm using those arrows you made me Tony, you said  _ instant _ kill, that doesn't  _ look _ instant.”

“They are poison coated, Legolas, the poison should kill any normal person within seconds, seems our gal here is both a badass Hydra killer and a special enhanced. Barnes bring her on the jet, let's nuke this joint.”

Clint instantly feels bad as he watches Bucky carry you away, how was he supposed to know you had killed those guys in the hallway, he came in after Nat and Cap who went into a different room, so he just assumed they had taken care of them. He looks at the small pool of blood you left behind on the ground and then grabs your USB, putting it in his pocket and hoping he can give it to you later.

You are only partially conscious, conscious enough to hear and to feel the pain circling your body but that’s about it.

You feel them lay you down and then strap you in, a safety measure, perhaps to keep you in place, or more for their own safety, you aren't sure. You blackout from the pain, only waking up sometime later, you aren’t sure where or how long it's been but the room is bright white, it's filled with fancy technology on the walls and a nurse looks you in the eyes and then scurries away to get the others.

You blink a few times, sit up even though it sends shooting pain up your spine and to your toes, your brain feels numb, they must be heavily medicating you, and to achieve that they must know about your...abilities.

“We go into lots of Hydra bunkers, it's not rare to find specially enhanced soldiers there, or traces of their past existence, but it is rare to find one who seems to be doing exactly what we were,” Tony says as the room quickly fills with various curious Avengers

“Do you usually shoot at them too?” You ask.

“No.” Tony answers easily while Wanda answers simultaniously, “yes.”

Tony looks at her, raises a playfull brow which gets him a shoulder shrug in return, and then turns back to you.

“Lets cut to the chase, you’re special. Another Super soldier by the looks of it,” he says as he flips through your lab results.

“I'm the same as Winter, same make, different model.” You joke as you gesture to your body.

“Winter?” Steve asks confused.

“Yeah, Winter, he is the only reason I even got shot, he broke my focus. I'll never be killed by a dude with a damn bow and arrow.” You counter thinking that somehow answers who Winter is.

“Who is Winter?” Tony says, asking you again.

“How do you not know who he is? He was with you, in the base, on that jet. I saw him and blanked. The Winter Soldier, I'm exactly like him, he helped them create me, I am a copy of him.”

“Let me guess your name is Summer right?” Tony jokes.

“Spring, actually. Hydra is really creative, luckily they maxed out at two of us and didn't run out of seasons.”

Tony chuckles at the nickname and speaks up, “FRIDAY, call Barnes to the medical ward.”

Then you just wait, still confused still in pain as the love of your life walks through the door.

“You didn't tell us you knew our  _ almost _ casualty here?” Tony asks and Steve listens intently, never having heard of “Spring” before now.

“I don't?” He answers and your heart drops. You were right, your hunch from the way he looked at you before was right, it wasn't that he moved on and didn't care, it’s that he completely forgot, he has no idea who you are.

The Avengers, or at least the ones in the room, Steve, Tony, Clint, Sam, Wanda and Bucky, all stare at you with looks of confusion and some filled with accusation.

“So your story doesn't work,” Sam suggests, instantly not trusting you, not that the others trust you any more than he does.

“It's not a story, or an excuse it’s the truth. I was The Spring Soldier, Asset number 2, I was created by Hydra, I was the only person they found who could survive the half-assed knock off serum they created and used on Winter first. I was trained by Winter, he was my partner, my  _ lover _ .” You say the last part quietly and they pretend not to notice as you look at your hands.

“You just don't remember me, it’s happened before,” you finish.

“I thought you got all your memories back Buck?” Steve asks.

Clint chimes in, “How do you even know if you remember everything you...forgot,” but no one pays attention to him.

“I do,” Bucky assures himself aloud.

“I forgot you existed once too, and I've dealt with you forgetting me before too. After you left Hydra I couldn't find you anywhere for years, they said you went chasing after some old friend, they couldn't find you either.

I heard that you joined the Avengers and there were all these trials in the news and it seemed like you had moved on and I was tired of chasing after you so I thought it was my turn to forget, I begged a lower officer to perform the procedure, I thought to forget you would be hard, painful. I thought that it would kill me, but it didn't. It wasn't long before the memories rushed back. You should remember me too by now. What all do you remember, about the past?” You spill your guts, quickly running over your past skipping some of the darker moments. You ask the question as calm and collected as you can, masking the heartbreak as you search for answers.

“I remember Hydra, I remember the war and I remember Steve but not  _ you _ ,” he says so flatly like he isn't bothered. As if he isn't even trying to rack his brain for memories of you.

And he looks at you in this way that breaks your heart, behind his eyes there isn't love, there isn't hate, just indifference.

And it hurts because you want him back so badly but he doesn't seem to care. As painful as the past is you crave it at this moment. Life with Winter was hectic and hard but it was worth it to be with him, this peaceful and quietness that lingered without him, without being part of Hydra was deadly. And then he had to twist the knife.

“I remember everyone I’ve ever killed, I remember everything the soldier did but I am not him.”

“Yes, you are!” You say raising your voice a little, like a wounded animal backed up against the wall.

“No, I'm not.” He says and he doesn't yell but he says it like he's so sure of himself and it hurts, a blow to the heart as if he's stomping on the memories as if he's ripping up pictures in your face. And he isn't saying the words out loud, he's not saying he doesn't love you, but he might as well be.

As Bucky leaves the room in a rush the team gives you a new mix of looks. Tony looks at you as if you’re a new project, something begging to be fixed. Clint looks guilty and confused. Sam and Steve are both defensive, they had spent so long helping Bucky move on from his past, helping him believe he wasn't the same person, that it wasn't his fault and here you come, ruining that idea. 

Wanda looked neutral, like she sort of felt bad for you but also didn't trust you either.

The love of your life just walked out the door, leaving you behind like dust without a second thought, for what felt like the hundredth time, and you were stuck in a room of strangers who were all silently judging you and making their own opinions on you. 

To make it worse you were handcuffed and strapped to this damn hospital bed. You had to get Winter or Bucky to remember you and you had to get the entirety of the Avengers to trust you and believe you aren’t a threat. What a fucking  _ nightmare _ .


	2. Cruel Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So there's you, you remember everything from the moment you met Winter until now. And then there is this Bucky person, and he remembers everything in his life except for the parts involving you. Like someone had gone inside his brain like hacking a computer and digitally removed you from every frame of his mind. It’s a lot to accept and it’s a lot to try to understand.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a long one, I had to set up some of the Winter-Spring stuff to get the story going via flashback lucid dream. Let me know if anything is confusing!
> 
> Word Count 5.5k
> 
> Warnings: Just violence in this chapter.

You lay awake in that same hospital bed in the otherwise empty medical ward at the Avengers compound, chained down because they don’t trust you, because the man you love doesn’t trust you or even know you.

If you open your eyes you are forced to look at blank white walls, cold metal technology, bleeping monitors. But if you close your eyes all you can see behind your eyelids is him, the way he looked at you like he’s never even seen you before, like everything that you two had shared, everything you both had gone through was gone. It was all your burden to bear.

You wouldn’t be able to wipe the memories either, you had tried that before but they always came back, you assumed it was because they were so important, they made you so much of who you were. If he hadn’t remembered you yet maybe it’s because in his mind you weren’t important, all he cared about, all he needed he already had. Maybe he had no time for love. 

It was clear that you showing up out of nowhere had startled him to say the least. He thought he was finally a complete man, that he owned all of his memories again, that the only person inside his head was himself, that he had gained control over himself again. And for someone to show up, begging him to remember them, telling him that they knew him would be _a total mind fuck_. 

Here is where you and Winter differ, Winter when you first met him had no memory of his past, he was entirely The Winter Soldier. When he was freshly brainwashed, when he saw you straight after the chair he always remembered you, remembered Hydra, remembered his missions and his place in everything. Sometimes after a visit to the chair, he acted colder towards you, took a day or two to get back to normal, or whatever your _normal_ was. But he was still the Winter you knew and loved, the Winter that loved _you_. You were the same way, you had no memory of a past life, your memories started and ended with Winter, with Hydra. 

But this new Winter was a whole different person, he looked and sounded like the Winter you knew, especially the one that _only you_ knew, the softer side of the cold soldier. But he had this whole past life he remembered, he mentioned this Steve person, he mentioned the war before Hydra had captured him, he remembered his whole life but somehow _not you_.

And it makes sense sort of, brainwashing science isn’t perfect, some bits get lost forever, some memories buried more deeply than others, the Avengers probably had something to do with him retrieving all these old memories Hydra had tried so hard to bury deep. Maybe they could help you too. Though you aren’t sure if they’d want to.

So there’s you, you remember everything from the moment you met Winter until now. And then there is this Bucky person, and he remembers everything in his life except for the parts involving you. Like someone had gone inside his brain like hacking a computer and digitally removed you from every frame of his mind. _It’s a lot to accept and it’s a lot to try to understand._

Perhaps this was better, better than him remembering you and then choosing not to love you, remembering all the trouble and pain and still deciding that it all was worthless in the end. That the love that bloomed in such a cold dark violent place could never blossom in the sunshine of his today, and maybe you would have to accept that too.

But he looks at you like you are a stranger he is seeing for the first time, just passing through his life. You remember the first time you ever saw him, you remember it like it was yesterday, instead of many years and lives and deaths and lost loves away.

As if your body was actively trying to block out the medications you finally let yourself relax, let them take over, let them numb your brain, perhaps whatever fever dream that your mind creates from being high on the medications they were pumping into your system will be better than your overactive thoughts. You feel these chills run through you, the familiar feeling of pain being numbed by high-strength medications. Your skin goes clammy as you close your eyes, sweat drips down your forehead, your breath gets slower, you fall asleep as the pain fades…

-

The last time you had felt that, felt such severe pain like your body was breaking and rebuilding itself, was when you had been given the serum, back when they strapped you down, stuck needles into your arms, taped your mouth shut. 

You can picture the room in your sleepy lucid state, it was dark and dingey and wet like a damp basement, there was no sunlight or warmth. You remember the pain, and then it fading, and then before falling asleep you heard someone speak.

“If she survives the night she will do.” He said coldly and then left the room, left you with the doctors.

It felt like it was slowly killing you and then putting you back together all at once.

And it’s cruel, _he’s_ _cruel_.

You didn’t have a face or name to the voice at the time, but you came to know him after, you tried not to hold the cold words you first heard him say at you, against him. According to the doctors, nobody had ever survived the procedure before aside from him. Maybe it was easier for him to not think of you as a real person, just a test and some numbers, the beeping of your heartbeat just another machine.

When you survive the night he is given the task of making you better, sure your body accepted the serum, part of the process that everyone else had died in before but he had to make you into a weapon, you needed skills to survive this job, this life, if you could even call it that.

It’d be easier if they hadn’t picked the most handsome person in this stupid underground base.

His beautiful face, the shape of his body, the feeling you got, like an electric shock when his skin brushed yours, whether he’s grabbing your hand and helping you up or punching you pushing you down, it’s all _cruel_.

He looks so pretty like a devil too. Gun in his hands and blood on his face, all he’s missing is his horns. It’s hard though, extremely difficult to view him in the way you view everyone else you meet through Hydra, with blind hatred, and concrete opinions. Winter was different. He could be cold and strict, he always followed orders, he did his job and put it over everything. But he had weaknesses, you saw him fall and fail and hurt and sweat just like you did. You often thought about what you would want to be seen as, the next person who came here, if there ever was a new asset you had to train, you wouldn’t want them to hate you…

Because in your mind you were innocent, at first at least, you didn’t ask for any of this, you didn’t ask to have your life stolen and be tortured and tested on. Because everything before Hydra was blank, but maybe you were wrong to assume you were a good person before all of this happened.

Maybe innocent was a bad word to define it, you were under pressure sure, brainwashed yes, and so was he, fighting to stay alive, following orders, but at the end of the day, what made your life more valuable than the people you killed? You tried not to think about it. Tried not to put the blame on yourself.

-

After you had survived the Serum, they ran tests on you for days, they fed you so little, not certain yet if they should waste resources on you. These people had stolen you, tortured you and then had to audacity to not even like you, not be proud that you had survived, not admire the way you handled pain, no comforting words of goodnight as they would turn off the light in the lab and leave you strapped into that god awful chair until morning.

Eventually, they give you your own room, it’s three concrete walls and then a thick glass door and a thick glass window on the fourth, not looking out to anything nice, not there for your enjoyment, but so people can watch you, like a caged animal. You’re sat on your bed, knees pulled to your chest as you try to comfort yourself. You look up to see a man standing at the door, you don’t know how long he has silently been there, he has a blank expression, messy long dark hair, and a shiny metal arm. He keys in a code to your room and then enters without asking.

“We need to train, let’s go.”

“Train? You expect me to be able to do anything? I’m covered in bandaid residue and needle marks, I haven’t eaten a proper meal in maybe three days? I don’t know I’ve lost count because they had me strapped into a chair night and day. I haven’t showered in who knows how long, I don’t even know my name, I don’t even know how I know anything. My mind is like a **black hole**.”

And he should be stern, he shouldn’t feel sorry for you. He doesn’t have compassion, he’s told not too, he’s shot girls in the face prettier than you, smaller than you, weaker than you. But somehow there’s a pang in his chest, a voice in his head screams that you look just like he did. He knows exactly how you feel too.

“_I know_, but we have to train,” he insists, he has orders to follow here.

You’re scared of him, as pretty of a face as he has he is still a big man with wide shoulders and his eyes are dark and mysterious. And you feel so weak that you just give in, you offer him a weak nod and try to stand but your knees turn to jelly and you fall, palms hitting the cold cement hard.

He flinches and catches himself before he goes to help you. It’s so unlike him to feel the need to help.

“I’ll go get you some lunch from the cafeteria, there’s a bathroom behind that door, shower and there should be clothes in that dresser, be quick,” he offers and it’s the smallest amount of kindness and compassion you have seen in a week so you smile and nod quickly picking yourself up with as much strength as you can muster, you don’t even remember what a shower feels like but you crave it nonetheless.

The door closes and he’s gone like a whisper in the wind. The bathroom is nice, like a clean public bathroom, smooth stainless steel metal, a sink, a mirror, a bathtub with a shower, clean towels hanging on the rack and a laundry bag with a note taped on the wall about the laundry schedule. You peel your clothes from your body and go to lock the bathroom door but it doesn’t lock, typical.

The hot water is nice, you use your nails to scrub the sticky residue from that clear medical tape they used all over you, you gently clean the needle marks with your thumb and watch as they basically disappear. You wash your hair, comb through it with your fingers, clean your ears, scrub your face. You feel clean, it’s _nice_.

When you dry off you look through your room for clothes in the dresser in the corner, they are all very plain, black white grey, a bit of red here and there. You grab leggings, cotton underwear, a sports bra and a red t-shirt. The socks you grab are thin and slippery on the floor, you grab a sweater and then go to the bathroom to get some sort of privacy while you change.

You hear the door unlock and click open so you move quickly, combing your hair and then braiding it out of the way.

He places a grey metal tray on your bed, a sandwich a drink and a mix of fruit and vegetables atop it. Such simple food has never looked so good.

You sit down and start eating, the man stands there, awkwardly as he waits for you, _following orders_.

You speak as you munch on some cold carrots. “ So what’s your name?” You ask and he looks at you.

“We don’t really get names, I used to be called the asset, but now there are two of us, so I’m asset number one, and you are asset number two,” he says and he sounds like a machine spitting out scripted answers.

“Asset,” you say, feeling the word on your tongue.

“Some people call me The Winter Soldier too. Its more of a code name though, for missions.”

“The Winter Soldier,” you mimic his words for the second time and he almost thinks it’s cute for a moment. Socializing is so weird, he hasn’t just talked to someone in so long, someone not superior or below him, someone who is supposed to be his equal. “Do I get a codename?” You ask and he nods.

“Yeah, I’m not sure if they decided on Summer or Spring yet, but for simplicity, it will be another season, like mine.”

“The Summer Soldier? The Spring Soldier?” You repeat as you swallow the rest of your drink.

You look up at him for a minute, he looks as if he’s about to say something so you don’t dare interrupt him, curious to hear his next words.

“It feels strange doesn’t it,” he asks, finally having someone to talk to about this.

“What does?” You ask, unsure because _everything_ feels strange right now.

“Your brain, you know things, a lot of things, but at the same time, you feel like you know nothing. You know what a name is, you know you should have one but you can’t remember your name, your nicknames, other people’s names. It’s_ strange_.”

“That’s exactly it. Like when I showered I was excited like I could remember that a shower is nice and feels good on your skin but I can’t remember ever having a shower before today. Like a black hole.”

He just nods, satisfied with your answer, happy but not showing it on his face that you understand him. “Okay, we better go now.”

On the first day of training he went easy on you, just basic workouts, building your strength which came all too easy now that the serum was flowing through you. He brought you to a part of the underground compound that had a computer type room with tons of technology, a room filled with books and tables, a gym-type room with a small room attached with training versions of any weapon you could ever need. 

He said he would show you the rest tomorrow, he gave you a couple of books to keep in your room, language books, basic coding books, self-defence books and a few care guides to some basic guns. He assured you not to try to read them all tonight.

He showed you where the cafeteria was, it was small, it had two tables and a small service counter where they gave you whatever it was that they were making that day. He said you could go there anytime you were hungry, super-soldiers need a little more food to fule.

Night crept closer and he encouraged you to get some sleep, he leaned against the door frame and entered your code letting you in. When it opened you hesitated before walking in.

“Thanks, see you in the morning,” you said quietly, still unsure fo what sort of dynamic there should be between the two of you. He nodded, and awkwardly gestured to the room next to yours. 

“I’m right next door if you need anything just knock on the wall or something. I’m sure they will give you your lock code soon enough.”

“Thanks,” you repeated again and then entered the room, you watched as he entered the code in again and locked you inside. You wondered how many people knew that code or if it was just him and whoever was in charge.

Things continued on like that for a while. Winter would come to your room in the morning, you would already be ready, waiting for him like he said you should be. You were quick to fall into line, to listen to the rules and paid good attention to everything he told you. This one on one time was nice, Winter was a strict teacher, he taught at a fast pace but he was also very hands-on. If he gave you a book to read he would always make sure you understood it, when it came to safety he was very thorough, relentlessly going over gun safety and making sure you knew your gun better than you knew yourself. Which wasn’t really that hard.

You were like a sponge, absorbing every word out of his mouth, following him around the base like a puppy dog. He never got upset with you, never got mad when you failed, or annoyed at your pestering. Everyone else seemed to hate you though and you weren’t sure why. There were very few females in the base, and they were never inherently mean to you, except the cafeteria cooks who weren’t pleased about having to cook for another super-soldier. 

All the lab rats, all the officers, technicians, the people who you didn’t even know what their job title was, they resented you, they scowled at you in the hallway they pushed past you, ignored your existence.

They didn’t seem to like Winter that much either but they never stepped out of line with him, maybe fear was his secret. But these men would never fear you, why should they? Because you can load a shotgun faster than they could tie their shoe? Maybe one day you will show them. Earn their respect. 

-

“Winter can we go over Ap4’s again today before we do combat?” You ask quietly.

‘Winter?” he asks and he tries to hide a bit of a bemused smile. It’s the first time you ever use that nickname with him and he _likes_ it. There is no soldier attached to it, nothing objectifying him. 

“Yeah, you like your new nickname?” You tease as he silently walks down a different hallway to the gunroom, abiding by your request.

“It has a nice ring to it,” he says back, almost a teasing tone to his voice as well and then he pauses as he opens the door, gesturing you to enter the room, “after you, _Spring_.”

And they are just nicknames, simply shortened names, but hearing him call you something so sweet makes your knees buckle as you walk past him.

-

The computer room is warm, the amount of running technology in here makes it that way. You told Winter that this is your favourite room to read in and ever since he hasn’t asked you to read or study anywhere else. The table in the middle of the room is wide and you sit on opposite sides as you both read things together.

Winter has a mission coming up, something secretive but he told you he needs to know some more advanced coding stuff to complete it, he’s been reading these books for weeks. 

You’re across from him, studying your french books, taking notes, rewriting words, mouthing the words silently to practise. You pause and stare at him a little, mind wandering to other things. He can feel your eyes on him so he stops reading.

“Can I help you?” He asks as he perks an eyebrow, lip curling to a one-sided smile. It makes your heart beat a little faster. He warms up to you more and more each day.

“Oh I, nothing,” you try to explain why you were staring at him but nothing comes to mind.

He puts his book down flat and turns it for you to read the page he’s on, he takes his time and explains it to you, and that’s not why you were starring, now you’re faking interest just to hear his voice talk softly at you.

He says explaining things to you sometimes helps him learn himself, you like it when he does this. It makes him more appear more human, less perfect.

He grabs your pencil from your hand and your fingers touch momentarily, there a slight shock on your skin from the interaction. He continues explaining and writing things down for ten minutes, but all you can focus on is the tingling in your hand where he touched you.

-

Something went wrong on his mission, something he didn’t cause. He apparently managed to salvage the mission, complete it as per usual but he must have done things he wasn’t meant to. Killed people who weren’t supposed to be involved.

His eyes are vacant the next day, he’s cold towards you, not in the mood for conversation, mind too numb to retain any information.

You know they put him in the chair. You heard it happen from the next room and you felt helpless. But now as he sits across from you at breakfast, silent, eyebrows knitted, you wish you could help him again, but you don’t know how to.

He doesn’t eat a bite of his breakfast. Once he sees you’re finished he stands up and grabs your hand, pulling you down the hallway, he’s extra gentle as his metal fingers wrap around yours, walking fast through the empty hallways.

He brings you to a room you’ve never seen before, the door is locked and he punches in the code and then quickly pulls you in, locking the door behind you. Your jaw drops when you take the room in, its got a slanted glass ceiling. Snow is falling from the sky and falling on the glass, then sliding down. You can see the details of the snowflakes, the way they melt and trickle down in patterned streams.

He realizes he is still holding your hand and he drops it, he lies down on the cement ground, places his hands under his head and stares up at the ceiling. You follow him, lie a good distance apart and stare up in silence too. He wishes you were close enough to hold his hand again and he wishes he didn’t crave your touch, even if he is so sensitive, so unloved and beaten that such a soft gentle touch, just consciously holding hands with you, would probably send his body into shock.

But it is still comforting having you here. You don’t understand what it’s like to kill yet, but soon you will and he will be there for you too, to lie with you a few meters apart on the cold concrete ground as snow melts on the glass ceiling above, a silent understanding, a touchless comfort. And if your partnership never grows beyond this, he won’t mind; for it is leagues better than his life before you. Better than his winter, before spring.

-

Your first mission with Winter went …well it was a trainwreck. You got separated, they gave you a faulty com device, you panicked without Winter there to guide you, help you. You found yourself alone in a room with the target, you tried to question him but he had a gun, you shot his arm and tried to disarm him but as he fell to the ground he grabbed his gun again, you pushed his hand away from you and he shot himself in the head.

When Winter came in after following the sound of the gunshots he saw you, straddling this man with his brains splattered against the walls. Winter searched him, helped you up and basically dragged your shaking body away.

This man wasn’t technically your first kill, but you did push his hand, you put him in that position and his blood and brains were on your tac suit, on your hands.

Winter was nice about it too, he drove you both out of there, he talked you down, reassured you. Not that it wasn’t your fault but that you would get better, it would become easier. And that he shouldn’t have lost track of you.

When you got back to the base they didn’t have the same opinion, they didn’t believe you or trust you, they thought you were holding back information, even though Winter adamantly assured them that you weren’t, you had no reason to lie to them.

But they were smart, though evil people they had brains and they could tell that there was something deep inside, something in your eyes that you were holding back; a secret, no matter how big or small or unrelated, they were going to get you to spill it. No matter how much blood had to spill first.

They drag you to that chair and you put up a fight, you didn’t want to be wiped, only bad things, painful things happened in that chair.

They strap you in and say teasing words, “you’ll grow to like the chair,” “be a good girl and sit down nicely, stop putting up a fuss.” They whisper and Winter stands idly in the background, not helping but also not stopping them.

They start pumping drugs into your arm after hitting you a few times to get you locked in, it stings under your skin and your mouth goes fuzzy, your vision blurs a little and you feel tired tired… tired and the room spins.

“I feel dizzy,” you whisper slumped in your chair as Winter walks up to you. The lab rats and soldiers leave the room, giving time for the drug to kick in. It’s not a truth serum per se, but it does make anyone more…compliable.

“Look Spring, I believe you, I don’t think your lying, but if there is anything you are holding back I need you to tell me, tell me what your hiding from them.”

He pleads and you see a bit of fear in his eyes, as if he is scared for you, perhaps growing attached to you. But all you can do is giggle in his face loudly, your nose brushes his cheek. “You really wanna know?” You ask and you have this childishly wide smile across your face and it’d be cute and wholesome if there wasn’t blood between your teeth and smeared across your face.

“Please tell me,” he almost begs and you fold for him, abiding by his every request as per usual, as you were taught.

“I love you,” you gulp and then giggle, “ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?” You admit to him finally and then pass out from the beating and the high amount of drugs.

And as the drugs kick in in your dream, the ones in your current system do the same, the dream world behind your eyelids fades into black nothingness. The room is filled with a steady calm heartbeat as you lay sleeping in the bed. The nurse finally walks in, scared to visit you while awake and makes notes on your vitals and recovery, changing your stitching and pulling your blanket up to your chin.

You look like a little girl when you sleep, too young to be such a feared weapon. Only if she ignores the bloody gauze in the garbage beside your bed or the stories she’s heard about you.

Tony walks down the almost empty hallway, everyone in the tower should be asleep, there are no current missions in progress. A rare moment of downtime for the busy superheroes.

He leans against the door as the nurse stands above you, tucking your messy hair behind your ear, she feels bad, she’s caring, it’ in her nature as a nurse.

“Think she deserves a better room?” Tony asks and startles the nurse who quickly pulls her hands away. She looks at Tony for a moment before he continues explaining himself.

“We don’t have any missions coming up soon, one of the nicer rooms we have here reserved for us will do her fine I think. Nicer bed, tv, it’s like a small apartment.”

“With a two-way mirror across the wall and video surveillance.” She adds.

“Exactly, we both win, she gets a nicer comfier stay and we get to keep a nice close eye on her.”

“You really think she is up to something bad?” The nurse asks, taking another look at your peaceful expression.

“I don’t know what to think,” Tony admits as he leaves the room, texting Bruce to come to the medical ward as well.

“I’ll get the room ready Mr. Stark. The sweet nurse says and then scurries to the opposite end of the hallway.

Tony and Bruce whisper in the hallway as they watch you through the two-way mirror, now that the nurse has moved you. They don’t need to whisper though, they have drugged you up well enough that they could set off a nuke in the hallway and you wouldn’t hear a thing.

They discuss how to handle your treatment, whether they should continue to keep you in chains, whether they should try to help you as they did Bucky. 

Down the hall and around the corner Bucky is making his way back to your room, he finds it empty and his heart drops, he holds his breath and he goes into defensive mode, ready to attack because he is scared of you, he doesn’t trust you.

He turns in a slow panicked circle, looking over the room and then he quickly rushes out the door, knocking the small nurse to the ground in haste.

He apologizes over and over again as he helps her to her feet.

“Were you looking for the girl?” She asks, a little bite to her voice clearly annoyed at the tumble.

“What no, I was just walking, down the hall, to the uh,” he freezes, he never usually walks down here.

“You were taking a 1 Am stroll through the medical ward?” She questions again.

“Yeah, I do that…sometimes.”

“The medical ward is usually empty and locked at this time.” She disproves his lie and the panic is still painted on his face. She gives him a knowing look as she points down the hall.

“She’s moved to one of the nicer rooms, the one on the very end. Don’t disturb her though, I won’t be here if she wakes up, and tell Mr. Stark I’ll be late tomorrow.” She is clearly unhappy with the entire situation, her medical ward filled with nosey people and Tony and Bruce making changes when she should have gone home hours ago.

Bucky waits for her to leave and then makes his way down the hall meeting Tony and Bruce.

“Hey Winter,” Tony teases, switching out his usual nickname for the one you had mentioned earlier, “here to see your little girlfriend?” He teases and Bruce looks worried that Tony is pushing Bucky too far.

“She is not my girlfriend. What are you doing here?” Bucky asks.

“I should ask you the same thing?” Tony continues and Bucky learned from his last failed attempt at a lie and chooses silence instead.

“We just decided we are going to help your friend here,” Bruce says to change the subject off of Bucky.

“She isn’t my _friend_ either, I don’t know her.”

“Well, that’s exactly what we are going to find out!” Tony says, excitement in his eyes.

“She isn’t your experiment either,” Bucky says as he pushes past them and walks down the hall, tired of this interaction.

Tony yells at him down the hall, knowing you are too drugged up to be woken by the noise.

“Isn’t she though?” Bruce bites on his finger nervously, tired of being caught up in Tony’s schemes but being torn by wanting to help you.

Bucky wishes none of this was happening, he wishes he could go back in time, to a few days ago when he was at a bar with Sam and Steve, playing Pool with Nat and getting his ass kicked, he can taste the cheap beer on his tongue for a moment. If only.


	3. Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, we see exactly how the avengers, mostly Wanda, plan to help Spring with sorting out and validating her memories.  
Some Avengers are nosier than others.  
We get a good peek into the softest flashback moment between Winter and Spring, so soft and sweet its a crime.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains smut, though it is clearly marked where it stops and starts and is very easy to skip in case reading smut isn’t your thing! Look for the markers (~~~~~~~~~) !
> 
> Word Count: 3.2k

You wake up confused, the feeling familiar by now, you lay in bed and stare up at the fluorescent lights, the same as the past few days. The pain is unbearable as if they are holding back on the pain meds, not only do they not trust you, they think you are here to do something wrong to Bucky,  _ their Bucky _ . Now you start to think they want to hurt you, it’s like torture but not so obvious. Bruce comes every now and then and checks on your stitches, you should have healed by now, if it wasn’t for their stupid poison. The nurse barely comes near your room when you are awake, Bruce is the only one who checks on you, aside from Wanda and Nat, they are nice and you don't mind their company, but you wished you could leave, or that Winter would visit instead.

He is gentle though, Bruce, he has a kind heart, perhaps sympathetic and understanding towards being created and turned into a monster you can't control. You ask him for more painkillers, he tells you they only have regular ones, the higher strength ones are off sight, on backorder or whatever excuse he gets told by Tony to tell you this time.

A tear escapes your eyes and you bite down hard on your tongue trying to stop yourself from crying. You had been so far away from Winter for so long and now he was in the same building as you and he didn’t want you, trust you, _ love you _ . So the pain becomes overbearing, which says a lot about the strength of the poison versus your super-soldier serum.

You’re lying flat on the bed when someone knocks on the door, which you think is a bit silly since most people usually walk right in. Wanda waits a minute and then creaks the door open peaking in.

“Hey,” she says quietly and you sit up in the bed, fixing your pillows.

“Hi,” you reply, not trying to sound so bitter, just tired.

“So... as I mentioned the other day, my abilities. I want to use them to help you. It will be a very different method than how we helped Bucky but I think we can really dig deep into your memories, piece them together. And once Bucky warms up to the idea, we can do the same to him.” She explains calmly as she sits in a chair that she’s pulled up beside your bed. She doesn't make you get up, or move, she can tell you are in pain. She isn’t sure why Tony has them holding back your meds, maybe it’s a test. 

“Okay, so how does this work?” You ask and she continues.

“I'm going to ask you to dig deep in your mind, we are going to start with a happy memory, preferably one about Bucky, something significant, whatever comes to mind. I am going to tune into your mind with my powers. It’s best to keep your eyes closed and stay focused. Don't focus on hiding things from me, or shying away from any memories for any reason.” She says sternly and you panic at the thought of her seeing everything you and Bucky did together... _ everything _ .

“The only downside is anyone who is nearby might also get the memories projected into their minds as well because I’m not great at controlling this power yet, so if you are willing to do this we can, but if you don't want to we don't have to.” She grabs your hand, she’s patient, she has these kind sad eyes and you wonder what causes that sadness.

“My memories have never really been just my own, and I’m past the point of caring. If you think this will help then I’m all in.” You almost say that you have nothing to hide, but then you realize you very much do. You have many memories of Winter, the thought of looking back on those specifically, having to share those with someone beside you and Winter hurts, it breaks your heart almost. Those memories, of you falling in love, the soft intimacy that was your life with him, behind the rough and tough scenes of your Hydra life. 

You would rather those stay between you and Winter, but since Winter isn’t ...here right now… you have to accept letting someone else in, sharing them, a piece of your heart with a new friend isn’t so bad really. You just hope no one lingers in the hallways...spying on your mind. The thought sends a shiver down your spine.

“So once I have an understanding of your memories, the timeline, then I can go through Bucky’s mind and piece things together sort of if that makes sense. I’ll explain more if we can even get that far. Think of this as therapy sort of too, I can help you heal from your past traumas.”

“Sounds good enough to me, assuming he will cooperate.”

“He will eventually, he just needs time I think,” Wanda assures you and grabs your hand again.

You know that there is a two-way mirror in your room, they told you about it and the security cameras. You don't really care, you’re used to it, Hydra had the same set up on you, just a window instead of a mirror, at least now you can pretend no one is there.

On the other side of the mirror, Nat stands patiently, eager to learn more. Sam and Steve said they would stop by but didn’t care enough to stand there for the entire ...process? Bruce and most of the others stayed away, not wanting to get into your personal business. Nat was to report anything important to Tony because he obviously had better things to do.

Bucky was told he should come, that watching would maybe help him remember but he had said he wasn’t going to.

You close your eyes tight and try to think of a happy memory, you try to distract yourself and hope it works. Your mind plays over your dream from last night, going over the events so Wanda can see them and then it continues on, you quickly get lost in it.

-

After you admitted your love for him it took a long time for him to warm up to the thought, the idea of  _ you and him _ . 

The idea always seemed so far away, unrealistic, but it’s when you’re on a mission together in Paris, held up in a hotel room that his mindset changes drastically.

The mission is simple, and you’re unsure why they sent both you and Winter together, you had been told of this mission months ago. You were supposed to handle it alone, and a few others prior to this but every mission you went on Winter had been at your side. Perhaps the first mission going so wrong was the reason they hadn’t grown to trust you on your own.

There’s a highbrow event going on in the building across the street, you’re waiting for the target to arrive but the party has been postponed by four hours for “security reasons” which makes you laugh inside. Unless they can bulletproof the air between the limos and the door, their security is almost useless. The time change doesn't really matter either, whether it’s light or dark outside Winter is a perfect shot with a sniper. This just means you have some spare time alone,  _ completely alone _ with him.

You’re sitting side by side on the 20th-floor balcony, with your backs pressed against the ledge, his fingers interlocked in yours, resting on your thigh. He holds your hand a lot now, ever since he first did when he brought you to that room with the windows. It’s simple but comforting. He has this nervous flicker in his eyes every time he holds your hands, his eyes travel from your hands intertwined, to your eyes to process your reaction and then he quickly looks away.

“I always wanted to go to Paris.” You admit after feeling the thought, the  _ want _ come from deep within your subconscious.

“Really? Does it live up to its expectations.”

“Not really, this hotel room doesn't do it justice, I want to see everything, experience everything. But I guess just being here, and being here with you is good enough.” You say, you found he quite likes when you say nice things to him, about him, he likes compliments, lives for praise, what good soldier doesn't?

“Maybe we can live here one day,” he suggests and it’s so out of character for him, but he’s love drunk, he is hopeful for a future with you and it slips out before he can take it back and you’re off and running with it.

“That’d be nice, we could have a little place of our own, we could decorate it for Christmas time like that safehouse you mentioned in Washington, we could leave the Christmas lights up till January, it’d be our own house we could make the rules!” He nods, a wide smile on his face in agreement, you both sit in silence imagining the better life you both deserve.

There is a raw honesty that you bring out in him, his usual cold exterior melts around you and he can’t help himself but gush his feelings, they overwhelm him and he has to share.

“I feel like I’ve known you forever, we just fit so well. I feel like my whole life, the parts I remember and the ones I don't, have led to me meeting you.”

The confession makes your heart skip a beat. You move to sit on his lap as you lean your chest against his.

“We are a good team. I always wanna do missions with you, I wanna go where you go, I don’t wanna be apart from you for even a second,” you say quietly to him, your face so close to his he can feel your breath on his lips, your noses almost touching. He wants to kiss you, do so many other things but he also feels it might be too soon.

As he looks over your lips he thinks for a moment, this can wait until another time, a better time when he isn’t counting the minutes on the clock until he has to kill someone. But he doesn't know when a better time will be when they can be alone again like this, no hiding or sneaking around.

You are thinking about similar things. You want him, you need him now and you don't know when you’ll get another chance so you kiss his lips softly which seems to snap him from his thoughts. He quickly kisses back, his surprise fades quickly as he now focuses on the task at hand. His tongue slides into your mouth so expertly, his hand’s cup your cheeks and yours runs through his hair messing it up.

He is torn between never wanting to move and also wanting to pick you up and carry you to the bed that has loose bullets sitting on the soft satin covers. Since you’re on his laps it’s oh so easy for him to ultimately decide to lift you up, his hands grab your thighs as he stands on wobbly legs, nerves itching at his skin. He kneels against the edge of the bed, still holding you up as he uses his free hand to clear the bed and then gently place you down.

You say sweet things to him as you undress him, he hovers above you and smiles against your skin before he kisses it. You crane your neck to kiss up and along his jaw while you peel your own tight tac gear off as well, throwing your knife from your hip into the wall and sliding your gun across the floor. Your belt clicks as you take it off and he imagines being here with you on vacation instead, flowy dresses and champagne and flowers in your hair, no weapons or skin-tight tactical outfits.

~~~~~~~~~

He likes the thought of it and he’s mesmerized by his own ideas until he is stunningly brought back to reality. You have flipped positions, you on top of him straddling his calves, with your mouth on his cock. Your back is arched unbelievably and you look up at him with wicked eyes. HE grips the satin sheets in his hands almost ripping them as he tried to regain some composure, some control.

It’s rough and passionate until Winter flips you onto your back and kisses every inch of your skin he can reach, it’s a complete 180 in the mood. It’s loving and slow and sensual as butterflies fill your stomach. But at the same time a fight for power, two strong soldiers wanting to call the shots.

He climbs on top of you, spreading your legs with his knee and then sliding inside gently, he pushes in slowly, rhythmically like he has all the time in the world.

“Can we always be this close.” You whisper in his ear and he grunts a bit before answering back.

“Forever.”

You let out a high pitched moan, his featherlight touches setting your skin ablaze as he hits every spot deep within you. His kisses are soft on your lips and cheeks while his thrusts are deep and slow.

You thought he’d be more rash, more violent and rough with you given the nature of him, but you’re happily surprised to find him sweet and caring, a tentative lover that wants nothing more than to please you right now. Make you feel good.

“Win-Winter,” you stutter like a question but you have nothing to ask him. He replies by bringing his lips to yours, forceful but not rough in his motions, tounges melding together, mouth moving with each thrust as he kisses across your face like he can’t get enough of you.

It isn’t long before he feels himself nearing his end, he wraps his hands around you and under your back pulling you as tight against him as he can while still thrusting desperately into you. He comes with a grunt, his mouth pressed against the skin behind your ear, he continues to thrust into you, you feel the coil in your stomach tighten as you follow him into bliss, a comforting numbness washes over you and you try to revel the ethereal feeling of being held so tightly, slick skin on skin.

~~~~~~~~~

You lie like that for a while, his weight sort of crushing down on you but you don't complain, you completely forget about the target who could be arriving at the Gala downstairs at any moment. It’s somehow unimportant right now. Bucky for once is not concerned either, his brain isn’t short-circuiting at the thought of not following orders, a failed mission is worth staying here in your arms forever. You trace patterns lightly on his skin, trace the lines of his metal arm that feel cool on your fingertips. Somehow you both end up on your sides, still holding each other just as close.

“Promise me something?” You whisper, your lips brushing against his bare shoulder as you speak.

“Yeah?” He asks.

“You’re mine right, over everything else I have you?” You ask and you’re scared to ask such a defenceless question.

“Of course,” he quickly agrees, like it’s a small feat to admit that he puts you above Hydra, above everything he’s trained and been brainwashed to do. He’s not sure how he does it either. How you turn the cold soldier’s icy heart warm, how you make him defy his coding. And he feels just as bare. He wants more than anything to be completely candid with you. “If we could get married I’d marry you right now,” he says with full confidence.

“Really?” You ask and he feels your smile against his shoulder.

“Of course,” he repeats.

And with that, you leave his hold and kneel up on the bed, turning to face him. “I Spring, take thee, Winter, to be my, to be mine…” you trail off looking for a good word.

“Your Boyfriend, husband?” he asks, a shy smile on his face that makes him look like a handsome  _ normal _ young man, if not for the moonlight glistening off his metal arm.

“No those are wrong, too formal and they sound like they don't fit. I like, I like something like. Lover.” She says it as if she’s still thinking but that one fits so well, she falls back down onto him, landing on his chest and then squirming up on the bed until her lips ar at the back of his ear, she kisses, sucking the skin and biting playfully before practically purring in his ear.

“ ** _Loverrr_ ** .”

-

Suddenly you snap out of your mind and are thrown back to the present with a pounding headache, tears brim your eyes and you gasp sitting forward. Wanda stands and takes your hands leaning closer to you. She appears lost for words.

“Spring I, that was... if I had any doubts before they would be completely gone. I can feel your heartbreak, your sadness. I can tell from what I saw that you really loved him.”

“Was that helpful?” You almost whisper.

“It’s a good start,” she says as she rubs her hands on your back, looking at the ceiling, trying to settle her own mind and emotions.

She continues to talk about other things, to distract you and calm your mind.

On the other side of the two-way mirror, Nat is sat with her hand covering her open mouth, clearly a bit shocked at the experience.

“That was…” She says and trails off shaking her head, to rid her mind of what she just saw.

“A lot,” Sam finishes for her. “I feel dirty for seeing that.”

Steve is quiet for a few minutes as he thinks over what he just saw. “She isn’t in love with The Winter Soldier, the one we faced. She’s in love with Bucky. The person we saw there was  _ Bucky _ , a bit of the Bucky I used to know and a little bit of the Bucky we know now just sort of diluted.”

“They were both brainwashed to be perfect soldiers and somehow they still...managed to fall in love,” Nat says almost shaking her head in disbelief.

  
“So what now?” Sam asks unsure of where this puts them.

“I still don't 100% trust her, she’s been brainwashed before, for all we know those memories could be fake. We don't know the validity of them until Bucky can remember the same events if Wanda can find the same memories in his mind. But for now...I think she at least deserves to stop having her pain meds held back so she can heal properly. I'm going to talk to Tony.”

“So same time next week?” Sam jokes and Steve glares at him before they leave the room and go separate ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come talk to me on my Tumblr about this! Any questions or anything my ask box is always open!! @swellwriting :) Thanks for reading!!


	4. The Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You were tired of being handcuffed to a bed not allowed to leave, you hated being denied drugs and then sedated for hours on end. You wanted to have control again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Mentions of wounds and blood on the wrists that may be triggering to some. (though not intentionally, they are self-inflicted...handcuffs suck.) Also Sexual references but nothing major.
> 
> Word Count: 2.3k

Nat told Tony to stop holding back on your meds, and of course, he listened. Not exactly in the way she intended it to be done though. They kept you heavily sedated, unconscious for an entire day after your first “ _ session _ ” with Wanda.

When you finally came to you felt so groggy, you knew something was wrong. You ate the cold food placed beside your bed and decided then and there that you were going to put an end to these games, whatever Tony was playing with you. And if this meant never seeing Winter or Bucky again, you didn’t care. You were tired of being handcuffed to a bed and not allowed to leave, you hated being denied drugs and then sedated for hours on end. You wanted to have control again.

Before you were too weak to break out of your chains, but the poison has completely run its course so you take your bandage off to see your wound almost completely healed, there is a dark bruising around it and red angry lines in your skin. It will leave a scar but it fits in fine with all the others so you don't really care.

You push your bed tray onto the floor and twist the chains around your hands gripping them roughly and yanking hard on them. The handcuffs don't come free but you rip the metal bars on the sides of the hospital bed clean off, great.

You push your blankets down and all the metal junk clanks together like you’re a damn human wind chime. You push your feet against one of the metal bars and pull your hand away, the cuff digs into the skin of your wrist cutting the sides open and you try to ignore the pain since you can feel the chain weakening and then it snaps, metal clangs to the floor and you look up to see if anyone heard it and is coming.

If the nurse did hear she definitely would be running the opposite direction anyway.

You repeat your actions, place your feet on the other bar, push and pull, your other wrist gets cut open but you don't stop, you are so close, snap! The handcuffs and the bit of chain that was connecting them to the bed hang from your wrists but you are free, you feel free. As if the chains were weighing you down you feel light, at ease and it’s great, but you didn’t think this through.

What now? You look around the room and then get up and walk down the hall.

-

“I just don’t trust her, she seems  _ wrong _ . Not that you can ever really trust a woman,” Tony jokes as him Sam and Steve are standing in the hallway outside the medical ward.

“So if I was a man, you could trust me?” You ask as you lean against the wall, the chains and cuffs hang broken from your wrists covered in blood from the cuts they left, blood drips down your arm and onto the floor where you riped your IV out.

“Not particularly,” Tony says and looks you down head to toe admiring your handiwork. “I take it you’re feeling better, why don't you go back and lie down,” he says and it’s so condescending you can’t help the eye roll that comes by instinct.

“I'm tired of being told what to do, of being held a prisoner even though I have done nothing wrong.” You argue.

“You say that with a lot of confidence,” Sams asks, knowing your ledger is just as red as Bucky and Nats.

“I've never done anything wrong  _ to you guys _ .”

“Spring!” Wanda says, walking into the hallway seemingly the only person concerned about your bloody hands and the trail on the floor behind you, “what did you do?”

You hold up your bloody hands and shrug, aware that there wasn’t really any explaining you could do. Bruce walks down the hallways and is quick to act.

“What the f-,” he stops and wraps his hands around your wrists gently, stopping the blood flow and then walks you backwards down the hallway back to your room, glaring at Tony the entire way. This was  _ his _ fault in Bruce’s eyes, he told Tony that the handcuffs should have been removed days ago.

Bruce sits you down and Wanda removes the handcuffs with her powers and you thank her, but she isn’t happy with what you’ve done and you can tell on her face.

Bruce starts cleaning the wounds and stitching you up.

“I'm sure you don’t want to “ _ talk” _ today,” Wanda asks, still unsure of what to call this thing you are doing, this  _ treatment _ ?

“No we can, I'm fine, was just tired of those cuffs, we can start now if you’d like.” You try to sound not so upset but you’re so tired of being treated the way you have been, of being told what to do, of being talked down to and treated differently. You remember the first time Hydra tried to treat you differently than Winter, and you remember the _ fit _ you threw to make sure it never happened again.

It’s what your mind goes to as you close your eyes, Wanda’s red glowing hands the last thing you see before the memories start like pressing a play button.

-

“Asset, you can’t go on this mission, It’s one for The Winter Soldier only, it’s too high stakes and you aren’t ready.” An unnamed officer explains to you as if you are too stupid to understand him. You are stood in one of the labs, having your blood drawn by a lab assistant to your left who seems nervous, looking over your face to see a reaction to being told  _ no _ .

“Did Winter say that?” You ask.

“No, I did.” Strucker, the Head of your Hydra base among many others, said sternly and you went quiet. “You aren't as strong as him, you aren't as quick or skilled yet, we can’t afford to let this mission fail because we let some  _ girl  _ handle it.”

And something about the way he says that makes your blood boil with rage, like a kettle boiling over you are unable to contain your inner thoughts.

“So If I was a man I could go on the mission. If I was a big strong man I could handle this simple intel mission on my own. I'm so sick of being built up to be this big weapon for Hydra, your big threat only for you to ridicule me and limit me to missions that require seduction and tight dresses as if I couldn’t slit a man’s throat  _ with pants on _ !”

The unnamed officer lets out a laugh and you give him a deadly glare before looking back to Strucker. He ignores you and you continue, you’ve said too much to take it back so you might as well vent.

“I'm so sick of running as fast as I can and trying to learn everything as fast as I can, perfecting my skills, proving I can be better than Winter in some things. Now I’m left to wonder If I could be Hydra’s number 1 soldier if only I was a man since that seems to be all that’s holding me back!” You yell which startles the lab assistant who is quickly finishing up taking your blood sample, removing the needle and then backing away to the safety of his desk.

“Perhaps you’d be number one if you weren’t sleeping with your coworkers,” the officer jokes, clearly referring to you and Winter even if they aren't certain of what’s going on.

“Yes because that would be a total one-sided thing, I should be punished for  _ seducing _ him, yet he shouldn’t get reprimanded at all for fucking me as if it would be a one-person job that I’m doing all by myself!” You say with vigour, hatred laced in your voice for the officer. You don't know his name but he is quickly becoming the person you hate most, and that says a lot since you are in a room with Strucker.

“Well if it is a two-man job you just let me know.” The officer says and it would sound like a joke but the look in his eyes tells you it’s everything but, a threat he wishes he could hold up to. He leans in close as he unties the rubber band from your arm, touching your skin with grabby fingers, putting his face all too close to yours.

Perhaps it’s because you know they see you as just a woman who can’t control her emotions, they paint you up to be so bad, a hostile and reckless killing machine but they don't trust you. So in your mind, it’s okay that you’re mad, that you’re fed up and you’ve had enough. 

You want to be taken seriously but everything that’s been wired into your brain says there is only one way to show that. So before he can even finish laughing to himself at his own joke, or before he can imagine fucking you in his head you put an end to his thoughts altogether. You close the distance between you in seconds and tackle him to the ground.

“Oh if I was a man, then id be  _ The Man _ .” You say as you spit in his face. Strucker, the head of Hydra stands there and watches, not stopping you, wanting to see the weapon he created in action. You grab your knife from your thigh holster and slit his throat wide open deep. There’s so much blood that your hand is dripping wet before you pull it away. There is blood splattered on your face and in your hair, your knees are in the puddle that’s quickly growing and u smudge it across the floor and get up.

“Make sure your officers know their place, I am not  _ below _ them. Number 2 on your list is still miles above them, I am no one’s toy or object. I do my job and I do it well, I deserve their respect!” You say with wild eyes, covered in blood, yet you don’t scare Strucker in the least.

“I’ll make sure they are aware, _ Asset Number 2 _ ,” he says your given name so boldly, to remind you that you may be no object of the officers, but you are  _ his _ object, his asset and he is Hydra.

Just then Winter walks in completely confused by the scene in front of him, but he has to act like he doesn't care too much. He can’t let them know he is really in love with you. Sure they may be onto the fact that something is going on, especially after what the now dead and forever nameless officer said to you.

There is no harm in sexual relations between their top two soldiers. They aren't about to try to actively stop you, but they aren't going to openly allow it either. Soldiers, Assets they think you have no feelings, so there no harm in acting on basic human needs right? Who else did they think Winter would want to sleep with? Some lowly officer? A lab assistant? No, of course not, he chose the closest thing to his equal, or that’s how they see it anyway.

You walk past Winter without a word, you aren't mad at him. You want nothing more than to fall into his arms and cry and complain but you can’t do that here, can’t show weakness. So you walk down the hallway with your head held high. The officers and lab rats stare as you pass them, a bloody smeared smile on your face daring them to test you, showing them what happens when they cross a line with you.

Earning your respect, or maybe just fear.

“So what do you think, Soldier?” Strucker asks Winter, seemingly calm and uncaring to the whole event that just occurred.

“I'm not sure what you mean Sir?” Winter replies, standing up straight, monotone voice.

“I'm sure you can deduct what happened here, the officer on the floor pushed the other asset a little too far, made her mad and this is how she reacted. What do you think?”

“I think you made her into a weapon first, and then a soldier after. Which I don't think is a problem, just needs to be handled differently, and certainly, with a level of respect I had seen her not getting in the past.” Bucky answers clearly, trying to give a well-thought-out answer.

“I think you’re right,” Strucker says with a sickening smile as he picks up a phone and then calls some officers to the room to clean up the bloody mess.

Winter can’t help but smile inside, he should be angry that someone pushed you this far but he’s glad to know you’re standing up for yourself. He feels like he doesn't have to worry as much.

-

“That was nothing like what you showed me the other day,” Wanda says with wide eyes.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to, it’s just where my mind brought me.”

“I've seen worse, don't worry about me.”

Bruce is patching up your wrists still, eyes wide as he doesn't look up at you.

“Sorry Bruce, I should have waited until you were further away I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s okay. Now I know not to piss you off,” he jokes, looking up at you with a lopsided smile.

“We have to agree not to piss each other off I guess?” You joke back and he chuckles, finishing patching you up.

Tony had left the floor before the memory started, so it wasn’t accidentally projected into his mind but Steve and Sam were still down the hall, just close enough to have to witness that.

“You were harsh earlier,” Steve says, concerned.

“Harsh? I was right and we just saw that. She’s not innocent!” Same argues.

“Are any of us really?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be a lot more of in the present stuff! Thanks for reading. you can find me at my Tumblr @swellwriting !!!


	5. The Archer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A “therapy” session with Bruce and Wanda gets cuts short when a portal opens up above New York bringing in a bunch of aliens from an alternate universe. Even with all the Avengers there they could use a little more help, but Spring is so emotionally distraught she can’t possibly help or follow any of their orders, she can’t gather a collective thought. Will Bucky be able to say the words that make her comply?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: A chapter that fully takes place in their present?? More likely than you thought.
> 
> Warning: Violent themes? Brainwashing.

Today is a new day, yet it feels the same as ever. You’re standing in your room in the medical ward of the Avengers Tower. They gave you a new medical gown, one not covered in blood from when you so gracefully removed your handcuffs but just as ugly, pale white with blue details and the thinnest cotton ever made. You have bandages on your wrists and inner arm even though they don’t serve much purpose because the cuts have faded to scars already, you just don't care enough to remove them.

You’re standing in front of the two way mirror staring at your reflection when Bruce and Wanda come into your room. After the last session, they decided they should work together, they have different skills, Wanda has her powers and Bruce Banner has 7 PhDs. One of those in psychology so he adds onto the element of therapy that these sessions hold.

“We might have to cut this short, Tony just took an emergency call from Doctor Strange so we are basically “On-call” for anything that might happen, but until then we are all yours,” Wanda says as she sits down, Bruce sits beside her, a note pad in his hands. They are sat in two wooden chairs near the end of your bed, they expect you to sit down but you don’t. 

It has been a while since Bruce has played this role, he feels rusty and unsure of himself so he wrote down a bunch of questions from one of his Psychology books to ask you to get started. Before he can though, Wanda cuts in, “If we asked you to help us and fight with us, would you say yes?”

You turn and face her, you had told her the other day in conversation that you were tired of fighting, that you wished you could avoid it but you found yourself in another situation where you might be needed to do so, with the Avengers, whether they decided to keep you or not.

“I said I didn’t want that-,” you say and then pause, looking at your own reflection still like the answer is written in the glass. Then you turn to her, “- but what if I do?” You have this look on your face that scares Wanda almost as much as you scare yourself, a look that’s unnerving as if you don't trust yourself.

“What do you mean by that?” Bruce asks.

“I told Wanda I don't want to fight anymore, but I’m scared that deep down there is a  _ want _ to, a  _ need _ to. I’m constantly searching for this dark side within me, this other person, the bad parts as if they are  _ separate _ like they aren’t truly me. But what if what I am is all right  _ here _ . What if I’m not like Winter or Bucky, what if I’m not spilt into a past self, a Hydra soldier and the real me, what if it’s all one jumbled mess. How do I find myself then, how do I trust myself? How do I know who I am or what I want?” You ask and the room is silent, they have nothing to offer you in that regard.

“Well, what do you see when you look in that mirror?” Bruce asks, nervous about who is stood on the other side watching you. It’s Steve, Sam, Nat and Bucky. Tony is stood in the hallway on the phone but they are too busy starring at you to eavesdrop on Tony, listening intently to your “private” therapy session. 

Bucky for the first time relates to you, and unbeknownst to him it’s exactly like the first time he ever saw you, he understands exactly how you feel, and he shouldn’t feel sorry for you but he does, he can’t help but see himself in you, just as he did before.

“I hate my reflection, I’ve hated it for years and years, I look in the mirror and I see what they made me, there’s nothing else there, I feel empty, like glass, see-through.” You admit trying to describe your feelings with words.

You shouldn’t hold any thoughts back so you continue when Bruce is lost for words, “I can’t bear to look at myself, I see myself in the eyes of everyone I’ve ever killed, I see my reflection in the eyes of the man I loved who doesn’t even know me anymore. Sometimes I see right through myself and I wonder if I’m even real, everyone else sees right through me too, I feel it.” The sadness in your voice hurts Bucky, he still doesn’t remember you but this is much different than your other interactions, you are calm and you don't know he is there and that makes him feel safer somehow.

“You referred to love in the past tense, loved, do you not still feel love towards him?”

“I don’t know what I feel, I think I still love him but I also feel like I don't know him, I feel as if I don't know myself enough to be sure of my own feelings, it’s confusing. Before I was so sure he would never leave me, but now I wonder if he could ever stay.” And it makes Bucky feel guilty for leaving you, even if he doesn't remember doing so. He wonders for a moment what would have made him leave, it makes him think you are lying even more somehow. If he was so happy, so in love, what could have possibly made him leave without you, how could he possibly forget you completely. 

“What’s the end goal of this, what would you most like the outcome of these sessions to be?”

“I want everyone here to stop looking at me like they hate me. I don't really want love or to be loved by him, but I want him to remember me so I can stop feeling like I’m crazy, so I can have a semblance of understanding as to what’s real and what’s not,” you finish and Bruce writes down some notes. 

“We don't hate you,” Wanda interjects, a hint of hurt in her voice.

“That’s what it feels like to me, the way Tony doesn't even think of me as a person, the way everyone blames me for things I haven’t done, the way I’m standing here in this room in a hospital gown instead of real clothes, the way I have scars on my wrists from the handcuffs. No, I don't feel as if you hate me, but I don't feel like anyone here really likes me either. You two, Nat and Clint, you aren't mean to me at all, but you have this pity in your eyes and not to be rude or anything, but I can’t stand it.”

“Ready to prove yourself then?” Tony asks as he walks in the room, the group who were standing behind the mirror in the next room aren’t sure when he left the hallway, they were so distracted by your confessions.

“I don't need to prove myself to you,” you say with a grimace as he throws a bag at your feet.

“I mean, you sort of do, think of it as a tryout. You wanna be on the team don't you?” He mocks you with his tone, belittles you,  _ you don't like him _ . The bag at your feet has your clothes neatly folded inside, your guns, your knives.

“In about 7 minutes a portal is going to open above New York, interdimensional and all that, some nasty aliens are going to use it as a door, they aren't strong but we will be outnumbered, we could use an extra hand,” Tony explains.

You twirl your knife in your hands, it feels good, the balance of the blade is familiar, it brings a smile to your face, you have no possessions, no home, this knife though has been with you since Winter first gave it to you.

“I want to help, I’d like to be on the team, to belong somewhere, to serve a purpose but I’m afraid I’ll be of no help. My mind isn’t as clear as it should be, I won’t be able to focus and I won’t be able to follow orders. The poison and all these drugs have all fucked me up.” You say standing back up and looking at Tony with the most serious expression you can, “You need a soldier, and I’m anything but that right now.”

“We understand-” Wanda says trying to make  _ you _ understand that she doesn't just pity you, she feels bad that she hasn’t been warmer towards you, friendlier. Tony interrupts her shushing her with a finger.

“I think I get where you’re going with this, you have passwords just like The Winter Soldier did?”

“Not so much “ _ passwords” _ , the keywords tick something in my brain, they make me pliable, I will follow orders, it turns my emotions off. It’s a brainwashing technique. Mine works a bit differently than Winters, I’m still myself, just without feelings, no doubts, no moral compass to follow just orders and actions.”

“How long does that last?” Wanda asks, concerned about what you are suggesting they do to you.

“Less than a day, I was harder to control than Winter was, being I wasn’t a soldier beforehand, well actually I don't know what I was before but still, if I focus hard enough I can regain control.”

“Tell me the words then,” Tony says easily, accepting that this is what must be done so you write them down on Bruce’s notepad and hand them to him.

He says the words, “ ** _Solace, Broken, Fire, Midnight, Ninety, Molded, Nine, Far From, Two, Blackhole_ ** ,” the room is quiet and everyone waits for something to happen, but nothing does.

“It didn’t work,” you say confused.

“Is there an  _ I forgot my password _ button?” Tony asks looking at his watch, they are running out of time and he thinks you aren't worth all this trouble. If the others weren’t so intrigued by this interaction they would have gone and suited up already.

“No, I don't know why it isn’t working, I-”

“Maybe Bucky should say them,” Nat says as she enters the room, Steve, Bucky and Sam close behind her, you had a feeling they were watching.

“It might work,” you suggest with a shrug and Tony pushes Bucky to stand in front of you, he is sheepish, staring at the ground avoiding your face.

“We are on a tight schedule here!” Tony complains and Bucky looks up at you, right into your eyes and after a brief pause, a deep breath, he says the words slowly but forcefully, you stare right back at him and it sends chills up your spine. The room is silent, you feel your eyes close tight, all you see is white light for a moment, you close your fists tight and everyone in the room holds their breath.

You look back up at him. A dangerous glint to your eyes, you take deep laboured breaths. “Ready for combat. Ready to comply,” you say so monotonously it gives Wanda chills.

“Uhm, yeah. You are to take orders from Stark,  _ soldier, _ ” he gestures awkwardly to Tony who steps in front of him, Tony turns to the group and gestures out the door.

“We have five minutes go suit up!” He shouts and you grab your pants from the bag pull them up under you gown, you clip your belt on and Tony stares at the notepad in awe. When he looks back up you are wearing just a black bra as you look for your shirt. You grab your jacket and different holsters as you load your weapons, tie your boots and pull your hair back as well as you can with the rubber band you took that was attached to the clipboard.

“Ready for combat. Ready to comply.” You repeat expectantly at him.

“Yeah, you said that part already,” Tony says and he smiles at you before turning to Bruce who was the only one awkwardly left in the room. “I didn’t give him the paper?”

Bruce has a look of dawned realization on his face, your expression remains blank, mindless.

“He said the words  _ perfectly _ , after only hearing them aloud  _ once _ .”

“Maybe he-” Bruce tries to explain somehow but Tony holds up a finger.

“ _ Maybe  _ he’s done that before, muscle memory, maybe _ S _ pring here is more honest than we thought,” he smiles, oh he liked you before, sure he tested you and pushed you, but he  _ liked _ you, and he was glad to learn this new information.

“Follow the others, kill the aliens, don't harm any innocents or team members,” he says with a shrug and you walk out the door, mission in your eyes and purpose in your stomp, you click and cock your gun and Tony smiles like he just discovered a new feature on his favourite toy.

“Neat.”

-

Aliens are  _ everywhere _ , they are grey and gold in colour, slimy and rough, tough skin and tougher weapons. The downtown area is successfully evacuated, all the buildings are still standing and all that has to be done now is wipe out the last 100 or so aliens that remain, easy.

Your mind is clear, you want one thing, to follow orders, get the job done, to succeed. You wish your mind could be this clear always. This is different to how it had felt in the past, whenever Hydra forced the words upon you it had been in situations where you wouldn't comply. When they wanted you to kill someone who didn’t deserve it, cross lines that you had managed to make in your mind. It wasn’t as suffocating knowing you were doing a good thing, the Avengers were the good side, you were being  _ good _ , so it made it easy to comply with the orders your brain was telling you to follow, no inner conflict.

An alien knocks your knife out of your hand cutting your palm in the process. That pissed you off, you jump on them, pinning it and choking it, squeezing as hard as you can, you watch as its blue eyes go red and begin to roll into the back if its misshapen skull. 

It feels good to kill, and that scares you for a moment before your emotions are wiped away again, focus, kill, focus, orders, focus, comply. You’re about to get up when a dead alien body falls right beside you startling you, it had a loaded gun, finger on the blaster rifle trigger, it came so close to shooting you because your anger had overpowered you and you let your defences down for the satisfaction of killing with your bare hands.

The alien has an arrow through their eyeball, you look up and Cint is standing there, offering you a hand.

“Felt like I owed you one,” he says with a half-smile and you don't take his hand, stand up, give him a bit of a nod before you grab your knife and the dead alien’s blaster rifle.

You would thank him later when nice words came easier to your free mind.

You turn the corner and two aliens approach you, block your shots, they attack you from both sides. 

Bucky is across the street from you, he had just taken out an alien himself and he goes to help you but he stops himself, a mix of fascination in your skill and being too scared to approach you kept him rooted to the sidewalk that was covered in orange blood.

You twirl and duck, hit their shields with the end of the gun and then shoot behind you, it’s quick, calculated, you elbow and kick with force and he sees his own techniques in you, the way you hold a gun, the way you punch and move, he sees himself in you and that scares him more.

He’s frozen with the fear and this confusion he hasn’t stopped feeling ever since you showed up, which he hates to admit but it makes him resent you, even if it isn’t exactly your fault.

You feel someone’s eyes on you as you kick the last alien to the ground you look across to street and lock eyes with him, he’s already watching you. Two aliens come up behind him, not noticing you across the street, your instincts kick in to protect him and the orders you are given kick in too so you yell, “DUCK!” Which takes a moment to register in his brain before his body lets him move.

You shoot them with expert precision from across the wide street, especially with a gun that isn’t meant to be used as a sniper. He stands back up and looks beside him, the bullet placement, the distance. He thinks for a moment that you must have been trained by a really good sniper, and for a moment he has this flashback, it’s quick, it flashes through his mind, you holding a sniper, he sees from his own point of view that he’s behind you, hands over your hands holding the gun. He blinks and it’s gone, but it startles him to his core.

Yeah, you were trained by a good sniper, you were trained by  _ him _ .

The team starts to gather around you, the aliens are all dead, the cleanup crew has been called, it’s time to go home, which is  _ subjective _ .

“Good job team,” Tony says, a bit of forced optimism since everyone is grumpy and exhausted, “drinks on me tonight.”

Drinks? What the hell does that mean? You think inside your head, words not permitting themselves to leave your lips. Tony walks over to you pats you on the shoulder and then retracts his hand, orange gooey blood strings from your shoulder to his iron hand. “I think you earned yourself an invitation,” he teases and your brain is spinning, trying to speak, regain control, you blink a few times but it doesn't work, you just nod.

Wanda walks up beside you, links her arm with yours and guides you back up the tower, she rambles on and on about whatever plans there are for tonight, it distracts you, it really helps you start to regain control.

“I am going to have a nap,” you say and you don't mean for it to sound so flat and robotic-like.

“Okay, I’ll wake you up in a bit to get ready?” She asks all hopeful and you just nod, you wish you could express the excitement that your mind was restricting, but your body pushed and pushed, and by the time you walked back to your room you had this smile on your face that you just couldn’t wipe away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS for reading, check out my Tumblr @swellwriting for more stuff like this!! :))


	6. I Think He Knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: “Remembering your past is scary in its own right, forgetting is just the easy part.”
> 
> Warnings: none! 
> 
> Word Count: 1.6k

Tony invited the team to a fancy bar/ restaurant that he’s rented out for the night. Fancy food and endless amounts of expensive champagne, neon lights, slightly sticky bar tables and dull music playing in the background. It turns out being an Avenger has its perks. Even if you weren’t technically an Avenger yet.

The team is all sat at different tables or wandering around and chatting with each other, the Avengers are a rather large group nowadays so they take up quite a bit of space. They are all dressed so nice too, no comfy loungewear, no training clothes or uniforms for missions, just ironed pants and white socks and button-up shirts and flowy dress with sparkly heels. Hair gel, fancy watches, delicate bracelets and colourful eyeshadow, it was nice to see them like this, so much of their personality on display.

You’re sat at a table with Wanda at your side, she woke you up a few hours ago and was glad to find you back to normal, or whatever your normal was. She lent you a pretty black dress with a ruffled skirt and these puffy see-through sleeves that made you content inside. It wasn’t skin tight or entirely see-through lace, it wasn’t meant to seduce and distract, it was meant to make you feel pretty and it actually did. She curled your hair and put a bit of makeup on you, this was fun, getting ready with Wanda and doing something so simple was  _ fun _ .

“You clean up nice.” Clint compliments as he sits down across from you and beside Bruce. Nat, Steve, Bucky and Sam are sat at a table across the room, Bucky is staring intently at you,  _ staring at Clint _ , he doesn't mean to have such a deadly look in his eyes but Nat catches it right away.

“You okay there Buck? You have this jealous gleam in your eyes, did change your mind about her after seeing her in such a pretty dress?” Nat tries to tease while also being gentle with her tone.

“No,” he mumbles shaking his head and drinking his beer.

“You seem off, ever since the fight, did something happen?” Steve asks concerned.

Bucky is silent as he takes another drink, Sam watches Bucky patiently, they aren't pushing him for answers, but they do want to know what going on inside his head.

“No, I just, I don’t know,” he says and then shakes his head before he looks back over to your table, he sees you laughing at something Clint said, it’s not flirtatious, it’s a toothy smile, a childish one with no charm, but he still feels jealous and he hates it.

“You can tell us Buck, and we can help you understand it.” Steve pushes him gently and Bucky takes a deep breath.

“I had this, like thought, maybe a memory I can’t tell it was so quick, but it scared me and sorta shocked me.”

“What happened?” Nat asks quietly understanding that this is a secret Bucky only wants his closest friends to know.

“I was just standing across the street from her, I sort of froze and was watching her and then she shot these two aliens that came up behind me, something about seeing her fight, the way she shot that rifle it just... it did something to my brain. I saw this flash of like her holding this sniper, and I was holding her hands in place, like I was teaching her or something and then it disappeared instantly, I can’t even tell if it was real or just something my mind made up. It’s been driving me crazy,” he admits in a hushed tone, his friends listening carefully.

“It doesn't have to mean anything,” Sam says, “not yet at least, that’s not enough to work off of so just wait and see how things play out, if you remember anything else, don't push yourself, just try not to dwell on it,” he suggests expertly.

“Yeah, just think of her as a new teammate, not some potential person from your past. It might make things easier.” Nat says and her voice is calming in itself, his friends are so smart, so good at this, he feels a bit better but he doesn't tell them about the jealous pang in his heart.

“I'm gonna go chat,” Nat says getting up and Bucky watches as she walks over, so casually sits beside you and falls into the conversation. Nat sits beside you and you spare a glance over to Bucky, he looks nice in a black button-up shirt, his hair is pushed back, it’s getting too long and he should really cut it soon. You catch each other’s gaze for a moment, both taking too long to look away from each other. Nat was right, you do look pretty dressed up like that, you looked pretty before too, pretty in a dress or with blood on your face and a gun in your hands, pretty when you cry to Wanda over your memories, pretty when you glare at him. He wishes he could just walk over there as Nat did, get to know you a little bit without it seeming like the scariest thing in the world.

-

Somehow you gained the Avengers favour, despite your previous outbursts or mysterious past you fought well and you didn’t kill any of them or any civilians during the battle which deemed you good enough, they’ve had worse.

Tony decided after that night at the bar and after going toe to toe with you in an arm-wrestling contest that you aren’t so bad, he gave you your own floor right below Wandas and above Nat’s, while allowing you to be one of them for the time being, nothing permanent Tony says though, he’s just seeing how you work out. 

Bruce puts you on this medication and it makes you a lot calmer, it makes emotions easier to handle, it suppresses your anger but that leaves room for hope and love, with the anger forcefully gone your mind has to fill the gaps with other things. You start reading more books, watching all these shows and movies you missed out on and you even have plans to have a sleepover with Wanda next week and you’re  _ excited _ .

You notice that Bucky is still avoiding you and that he seems scared of you and that makes you wonder, what could you have done to scare him, was he still avoiding you because of your past? You wished you could almost move on from that, get to know him like you were getting to know the other teammates. 

You started training with Steve some mornings, you went for a run with Sam when Steve and Bucky were on a mission, Tony let you come in his lab and help him and Bruce with a new project. Clint gave you that USB from the day you all first met and you helped Tony decode it to give them any info on Hydra they didn’t already have. You and Wanda started hanging out more. You went for Lunch with Scott and Hope, one night Thor gave you too much Asgardian wine and told you tales from Asgard until 4 am, things were going good, except for with Bucky.

You follow him around the compound sometimes secretly. Hanging on his every word even though they are never spoken to you. You want him. You want him to remember you and you want him to  _ love _ you. Those feelings were a bit suppressed before when you were focused on being angry at your predicament, but now that you were free all you thought about was him.

It’s early in the morning, he’s making coffee as you walk into the kitchen and it’s instantly  _ weird _ , it’s just you and him, no one else is awake yet. 

“Coffee?” He asks casually and you agree with a silent nod, biting your tongue. He pours you a cup and mixes in some sugar before handing it to you and leaving the room, sipping from his own mug while half-reading an open book in his hands. It’s a bizarre moment, you hadn’t drunk coffee since you got there, there was no way for him to know that you took only sugar in it, you knew he drank his with cream and extra sugar but that’s because you  _ remember _ . 

_ Then it hits you _ . You think back to what Tony said about Bucky remembering your codewords and with this coffee thing too now? It all starts to make more sense. The scenarios play in your head over and over again as the words repeat themselves and bounce around your brain,  ** _I think he knows, I think he knows, I think he knows_ ** . 

Before you realize it your coffee is cold and you’re still standing there, thinking and feeling newfound hope, determined to make him remember you.

And you had just thought about trying to move on, trying to focus on something other than him but he’s everything you want, he’s got that roughish yet boyish look that you like in a man, and you feel like your 17 again plotting how to make him fall in love with you, writing his name in a notebook with a red heart around it.

The idea of being 17, the vague memory scares you, so no wonder he has been avoiding you so hard,  _ you scared him _ , he is scared that he is very slowly starting to remember you. Remembering your past is scary in its own right, forgetting is just the easy part.

You make a mental note to schedule another session with Wanda and Bruce next time you see them. No more focusing on being an Avenger and having new friends and a new room and daydreaming about what you could have with Bucky, it was time to focus on the past again. Oh and that sleepover with Wanda, you can make time for both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS for reading! find me on Tumblr @swellwriting for more!


	7. It's Nice To Have A Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An ode to both Wanda and the magic and importance of friendship! Also some character building for Spring, she’s learning to trust, how cute!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first time I picked a song out of the album order and from here on out the rest of the chapters won’t be in the original album song order! But as I said before it is not necessary at all to like this album or even have listened to it to read this part or any parts, they just inspire the storyline!
> 
> Warnings: none!
> 
> Word Count: 1.3k short n sweet

The tower is quiet today. Most of the team are away on a mission so the only people left in the tower are you, Wanda, Sam and Clint. You’re sat in your room, blankets pulled up to your chin even though it’s just past lunch time, scrolling through your phone lazily until you hear a tap on the door.

“Come in!” You say loudly knowing the door is unlocked. For some strange reason, you feel safe in the tower, anyone with high clearance can get onto your floor and you never lock your bedroom door. It is so different than the Hydra base, there is no room you aren't welcome in, there is no one keeping track of where you are or locking you in your room and it makes you feel safe and in control. If anyone were to stumble onto your floor who shouldn’t be there you were more than capable of protecting yourself.

“Wanna hang out?” Wanda asks as she pushes the door open as if you don't already have a very loose outline of plans. You were waiting for her to come by since the team just left an hour ago, you watched from your window as the jet took off and faded into the distance.

“Yeah, sounds like fun!” You said with a genuinely wide smile across your face, there was no exaggeration in your words, it truly sounded fun to hang out with Wanda and do whatever it is she had planned. Do things that real normal people do, well superheroes and super-spies but still,  _ normal _ .

She gestures for you to follow her and disappears down the hallway in seconds, you run quickly, your fuzzy socks slide on the smooth marbled floors of the stark tower, you run to catch up with her, avoiding the elevator and running up the stairs. When you reach the top she grabs your hand and pulls you into the living room section of the floor she shares with Vision. It’s a comforting area, light coloured curtains let all the light in during the day, the couch looks too soft like it would eat you whole if you sat down, there are blankets and pillows scattered on the floor in front of the tv in some sort of purposeful fashion and so many snacks they take up the entirety of the kitchen counter.

You spend the next few hours playing various video games, the controller feels comfortable in your hands, like sometime in the past you might have played something like this before. Wanda’s very good but you learn too quick. You watch movies that make you laugh and feel all warm inside and eat so many snacks that you will definitely have to work out longer tomorrow. You drink wine until you no longer have the ability to hold back your giggles and your cheeks are sore from laughter.

Time escapes you and before you know it the sun is setting, the light colours peak between the buildings and through the curtains, the night is soon approaching.

“Wanna see something cool?” 

“Sure,” you agree and follow Wanda as she stumbles only slightly before grabbing your hand and making you follow her up this elevator, then up a small staircase to a closed door.

“Close your eyes,” she whispers and you oblige without question which is something inherently new for you, no hesitation just complete trust in whatever she is about to show you. Is this what it’s like to have a  _ friend _ ?

You hear the door click open and she pushes you along by your shoulders before she stops, you feel her move to stand beside you, shoulders brushing.

“Open.” 

And you oblige again, your eyes are met with a light pink sky as the sun sinks down into these deep orange clouds, somehow there’s still a bit of blue among it all, maybe a bit of the whole rainbow if you looked hard enough. It’s magical and breathtaking, the sunshine and pink hues are bright on both of your faces as you smile at the unobstructed view from the top of Stark Tower.

“It’s so pretty.”

“Right?” Wanda agrees before pulling your elbow down to sit beside her on the top of the roof. “It’s so surreal, the sky is this wonderful pure beautiful thing and it’s just there, for us to enjoy.”

You cross your legs, get comfortable on the smooth concrete of the roof, sitting in silence as the sun goes down until Wanda breaks it, speaking again.

“You’ve been avoiding your next session with me and Bruce.” It’s not a question, more like a statement, as if she can read you so well she just knows it to be true.

“I know, I‘ve just been stressed out lately,” you admit, summing up all your feelings in one blanket of a word,  _ an excuse _ .

“Yeah me too, I hate when they go on missions without the whole team, leaves us here to sit and worry.”

“After the attack on New York and seeing you all work together so seamlessly, it seems stupid to split up the team.”

“Well not every mission calls for every strength, most other people enjoy time off, all I do is worry about Vision. Are you thinking about Bucky?” 

It takes you a moment to answer as the last of the wine courses through your veins and makes you want to spill your guts to Wanda, it nudges the honesty out of you. You literally feel the need to shout from the rooftops that you feel happy, purely happy in this moment and  _ goddammit do you deserve it _ .

“No, and it feels good not to, sure I wish he was here, I like knowing he’s nearby but it’s also suffocating, a constant reminder. The only reason I’m here is because of him, it’s all I think about, it was nice to have a day off today, a day with you.  _ It’s nice to have a friend _ .”

Wanda smiles at you, this bright smile of non-judgment, a smile of agreement. “For a long time my only friend was my brother, it was hard losing him, but then I had Vis and the team but you’re different, we just click so well. I'm really glad to have you as a friend too Spring. And you aren't just here because of Bucky, your apart of the team now, your more than what you think he makes you.” She goes from heartfelt to stern so quickly, wanting you to understand your value as a sole person.

“Thanks, Wanda.”

“No problem, but all things aside when Bruce gets back we gotta go digging through that brain of yours again.”

“Okay.” You say with a giggle and she laughs too. The sun is set, the breeze blows your hair in your face, the wine buzz starts to fade and is replaced with this feeling, you feel happy and whole and warm and it has nothing to do with Bucky or Winter or lost love or memories, it’s this friendship love, it’s different,  _ better almost _ , and you hope you never forget this feeling. Oh, how nice it is to finally have a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, find me on Tumblr @swellwriting for more stuff like this and to send in requests !!! <3


	8. Miss Americana and The Heartbreak Prince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks to the first time Spring ever tried to get Winter to run away with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Back into the album order!!
> 
> Warnings: smut, but its clearly marked and easily skippable
> 
> Word Count: 2.8k

“Why didn’t you ever try to leave before? How were you able to just leave after Bucky left?” Sam questions.

“I tried to get him to leave many times, one time I actually convinced him. It was hard to get him to do anything, to go against Hydra.”

“Was your relationship not against Hydra’s rules?” He asks again, persistent motherfucker.

“Sort of, but we always knew they knew something was going on, we just kept it hidden by choice. They thought we were just fucking at first, once they caught on they got more strict about us.”

“What made you wanna leave the first time? Why didn’t he agree at first?” Sam asks again.

“Look, Sam, do you want me to just get Wanda and Bruce so they can get in my head and you can see the whole thing for yourself?”

“Woah, I was just asking a question!”

“So was I. The next sessions at 3, but I know you know that already, I’ll show you all the answers then.” You say with an annoyed huff as you leave the kitchen.

-

“So, this is what you want to talk about today?” Wanda asks making sure you really want this. Every time she goes in your mind it’s so invasive and hurtful that she doesn't want to waste it.

Sam, Steve, Nat, Tony and Bucky are all sat in the other room watching and waiting.

“Yes, I’m going to show you the first time I tried to leave.”

“Okay, I’m ready when you are,” Wanda assures you as she grabs your hands, she’s sat across from you in these cushioned chairs while Bruce sits to the side with his notebook in hand ready to take notes.

You close your eyes and focus on the first time you ever considered leaving into the real world.

-

You are back at the Hydra base alone in your room. Winter was out on a mission and you were waiting for him to get back. They were always so mean to you when Winter was gone, all you could do was train alone and wait for him. They would rarely come to let you out of your room since usually, Winter would do that. Even after that issue with the officer you killed no one at Hydra respected you, they weren’t scared of you at all. Not until you were dressed in tac gear and had been told your codewords, then they always were cautious but any other time they walked all over you.

The hatred you feel for Hydra, this organization, it fills your bones right down to your core. You despise them, you want to leave but only if Winter will come with you.

Winter had been gone, you aren't sure how long, you’ve lost your thoughts as you stare up at the bright fluorescents on the ceiling, lost in the lights until there’s a knock at your door as it opens. You’re sent on a mission, a solo mission, the first of many.

When Winter went on missions it was all easy, they believed in him and trusted him but for you, there was no glory, even if you executed a perfect mission they would still criticize you for something. Living here was like this cloud of faded hopelessness, running on rose thorns to keep them happy with you even though they never were.

You had to start doing these stupid intel missions that were too easy for a super-soldier like you, they could have had some Hydra spy accomplish these much easier. They were missions that involved pretty dresses and pageant fake smiles, you were so much more than just that.

You counted the days and counted the nights to see Winter again. Every time you would return to the base Winter would be gone again. It’s like they read your mind it’s as if they knew about your plans to try and get their prized Asset number 1 to run away with you, to disobey. They stopped pairing you on missions, you lost the time to train together. They were keeping you apart and you felt it, you knew it was true.

Then they sent you on a mission you never wanted to do again, it was horrible. It was filled with isolation for weeks, multiple marks you needed to track down and kill, each killing was a bloody mess leaving many loose ends to tie up, which wasn’t at the fault of your own. When you got back to the base you’re tired but you hear that Winter is here too, you still have dried blood on your tac suit, across your face and in your hair, your limbs scream in protest as you run down the halls and to his room.

The people in the hallways whispers as you run by, faces of disgust at your bloody appearance, they murmur insults and names calling you a monster, a  _ bad girl _ as if they are so angelic themselves.

You finally make it to Winters’s room and knock frantically at the door, he opens it quickly unlocking it from the inside and letting you in, closing the door behind you. His room is much more private, no windows for people to look in and watch him,  **they trust him** .

You would have showered, made yourself look at least a bit presentable but you’re in such a panicked rush, you haven’t seen him in over a month and you’re frantic for him, lonely and you need him. He grabs your face gently in his hands examining you for wounds and looking at the blood, he doesn't even get to make sure you’re properly okay before you are grabbing him by the fabric of his t-shirt and pushing him against the wall kissing him roughly.

He pulls away smiling at your urgency, he’s happy to see you, he kisses you again before you start to frantically speak.

“Winter, they are trying to keep us apart, they are scared of us. But it’s you and me, that’s the whole world it’s just us, just you and me.” You start to repeat your self as you run a thumb over his freshly shaven cheeks.

“Spring honey it’s okay, they aren't doing anything like that I promise you,” he defends them and that stings.

“You can’t trust them, I can see in your eyes that you believe what you’re saying, you play their stupid games and you win stupid prizes, they shower you in compliments and glory! You chase their validation but it’s all meaningless!”

“I don't chase anything, I follow orders, it’s what we do.”

“Then we should leave, there’s so much more to life than following orders and living in this grimy base and not seeing each other for months, I just know it.”

“We can’t just leave.”

“We could try!” You argue and tears start streaming down your face.

Before he can answer there is a knock on the door, someone is calling your name saying something about the medical ward and Winter is so quick to open the door for them and let them take you, he follows orders, but it hurts as you watch him fade away, as they take you away and you aren't sure if he will even be there when they are done with you.

They bring you to the Medical ward and strap you onto a table, a man walks in and looks down at you, it’s Strucker.

“Spring, you and your  _ lover _ , your ideas of happy endings I can see in your eyes, your precious heartbreak prince back there. He doesn't truly love you, the soldier is not capable of love. I don't know where they went wrong with you, what got lost in the process but you should be smart enough to see that this isn’t love. You really should leave him alone, all you do is distract him and interfere with his job. I want you to stay away from him.” The man orders and each word hits you right in the chest, you were right, and Winter doesn't even see it.

“It’s a shame you had to ruin it, you two worked so well together.”

You thrash against the bindings they put you in as a nurse comes to stick a needle in your arm to sedate you.

“Then just wipe me!” You yell angrily, wishing you could just forget all fo this in the heat of the moment, even if you really didn’t want to forget Winter at all.

“No!” Strucker laughs and the sedative starts to flow through your veins tiring you. “You aren't allowed to forget. And when we give orders to Winter to stay away from you he will listen, we don't need to wipe his memories either. You will be left lonely and begging for his attention and he won't give it to you. That’s your punishment.”

This was such a harsh punishment, turning Winter against you. What was the point of them even having you if all they did was torture you like this and hate you. They didn’t even know you had just asked Winter to run away with you and yet here they are punishing you for what? Going to see him, being in love with him? What a  **crime** .

Everyone in the underground base is in on these orders, working to keep you and Winter apart. All anyone does is talk down to you and berate you any chance they get, it’s all power moves and bullying because they think they are safe to bully you, forgetting what happened to the last man who pushed you too far.

-

The next day you’re training, another agent leaves and Winter walks into the room, no one knows the two of you are alone together right now. Winter doesn't seem too phased, you wonder what they ordered him. He still grabs the training gloves and walks over to you, waiting for you to train with him.

“I'm scared.” You confess and he nods.

“Sometimes I get scared too,” he admits.

“Like when?” You ask.

“I don't know, I remember being scared, I don't remember why, I’m scared now, to lose you.” He admits again, ignoring his orders momentarily.

You go to leave the room, walk past him towards the door but he stops you by grabbing your arm. It hurts too much to see him and not be able to really be with him.

“Wait I don't want you to go.”

“Why?” You ask wanting more deep answers from his scrambled mind, and it’s unfair to ask of him but you can’t help it.

“I don’t know, I just don't.” He’s trying too hard to be honest with you but the coding in his brain is telling him to shut up and get away from you,  _ it’s hard _ .

“Then run away with me?” You plead, grabbing his hands in yours and looking up into his eyes.

“I can’t,” he says and as you turn to leave the room you hear him continue, whispering to himself like he’s in pain, “ **not yet** .” 

The words fill you with hope. You plan to go to his room later right before they lock your door, to really be alone with him.

-

You knock quietly and he opens the door, barely enough for you to sneak past him into the room but you manage, you’re quicker than him. You push his hand to close the door, he barely resists.

“You shouldn’t be in here,” he mutters, ducking his head down.

“Why? Because they told you to stay away from me? If they hadn’t have filled your head with that nonsense you’d be kissing me right now, holding me close, but instead you back away from me like you’re going to get in trouble.”

“Orders,” he mumbles and you grab his shoulders and shake him.

“Screw orders, you can do whatever you want and they will still never see it as you doing wrong, it will always be my fault. Look at me, I need you to see me, really ignore what they told you and focus on me.”

“I'm trying, but it’s hard Spring.” Hearing him say your name feels so good. You grab his hand and drag him down the hallway to the room he first brought you too all that time ago, the room with the slanted glass ceiling that has snow falling onto it. You pull him down onto the concrete floor and lie beside him just like before, but so much closer this time. 

It’s as if something clicks in his head. He remembers being here with you before, how conflicted he was last time too, how much he wanted to kiss you and hold you close and here he was, able to do all those things because he knew you wanted all of that too.

He turns on his side on the cold cement floor, it’s unforgiving against his hip but he doesn't care as he kisses you, climbing on top of you and grinding against you as he deepens the kiss. You crane your neck up to him, kiss him back letting your desperation take control, you hadn’t seen him in months and this was your first time alone with him, even if on this dirty floor where they would never look for you.

\----

It was also risky because you were disobeying strict orders, Winter was breaking orders and defying hydra just to feel your skin on his as he peels your clothes off your body, his metal arm cold on your skin as goosebumps rise, you smile as he kisses down your neck and then across your chest, metal arm supporting him as you continue to grind against his hardening cock that’s begging to be set free from his sweat pants.

He comes back up to kiss you, pushing inside you at the same time and it’s so abrupt it burns a little, you bite your tongue to keep quiet. Focus your mouth on kissing him back as he thrusts up inside of you with this quick impatience. Hydra is doing their best to keep you apart but the two of you are  _ better _ .

The nagging words Strucker said to you come to mind pushing you to speak.

“I love you,” you mumble against his lips in between kisses. He kisses you back, pausing his movements as he brushes some hair off your cheek, he smiles as he looks over your face before kissing you again, thrusting quick and hard as he says between kisses.

“I love you too.”

\-----

And you don't care if he’s not supposed to be able to love, he loves you, you can feel it in his kiss, you can see it in his eyes and the way he says,  _ he loves you _ .

-

Your eyes open abruptly and you gasp as you lean forward, Wanda is holding your hands, you’re at the Avenger compound, Bruce watches with worry.

They fawn over you making sure you’re okay but you are still dwelling in the past, focused on memories, hearing Winter say he loved you, feeling as though it was happening now.

In the other room, Sam looks at Bucky who’s silent, this is the first time he’s sat in on one of these sessions with them.

“Are you okay?” Nat asks and Bucky nods.

“She asked you to leave and you told her no,” Sam says in disbelief.

“Well, he did say, not yet.” Steve corrects Sam.

“We don't know if any of that was real until Bucky remembers the way it happened for him,” Nat interjects reminding her friends to be patient.

“Do you remember that Bucky?” Steve asks and he just shakes his head  **no** . Bucky is lying though, he remembers all of it now that he’s seen it happen, he remembers them telling him the orders, he remembers feeling the conflict, he remembers wanting to run away but telling you no, he remembers fucking you on the concrete floor.  **He remembers** .

Back in the main room, Wanda rubs circles on your hands calming you and telling you reassuring words.

“Tomorrow we can focus on a happy memory,” she says with a smile helping you stand up.

“I don't know if I have those,” you mumble, vision still blurry.

“Well you said before, this memory was the first time you asked him to run away, did he ever agree, did you ever run away from Hydra?” Bruce asks as he writes notes down quickly.

“Yes.” You nod, remembering the happiest you and Winter had ever been.

Everyone in the room and the other room looks shocked like you just left them with a crazy cliffhanger they will have to wait until tomorrow to learn about, the time you and Winter ran away from Hydra and what went wrong that ended up with you both right here in this mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! You can find me on Tumblr @swellwriting for more!! <3


	9. Paper Rings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wanda tries to pull Springs’s happiest memory, find her safe place, which may trigger the release of other memories, thinking her happy place must have existed before Hydra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Happy times with Spring and Winter? Love and Happiness? It’s what they deserve. (Blame the subpar editing on Grammarly not me okay.)
> 
> Warnings: DOMESTICITY AT IT’S BEST, and smut.
> 
> Word Count: 1.9 k

The next day is slow to start, you sleep in past your alarm, you roll out of bed and leave your room in your comfy pyjamas to get coffee from the kitchen, your eyelids are heavy after constantly being awoken from dreams of Winter and then laying in bed thinking until sleep graced you again just to be woken from another dream. Not nightmares, but  _ domesticity is scary _ , love is scary and startling when it comes in the form of a memory or a dream and then you are thrown into reality, alone and empty. It fills you with this longing, this feeling of searching, it makes you reach your arm across your empty bed and wiggle your fingers and hope someone is there, but they aren’t.

Today you are meeting Wanda and Bruce, they want to look into your happiest memory, Bruce thinks this will trigger your mental happy place which may unlock some memories hidden deep, especially if your happiest memory exists before Hydra. There’s a chance everything could come rushing back once that’s unlocked, or if not that then they will at least get a happy memory of you and Winter to piece that story together. Either way, you need to be  **happy** , but you’re tired and cranky, as you lift your coffee cup to your mouth you hope it holds all the remedies.

-

“Okay Spring, remember a happy memory, not just once that includes Winter, just think about the truly happiest you have ever been, relax close your eyes and don't rush it, you got this,” Wanda says as she grabs your hands, strengthening your connection to her but also as an act of friendship, the comfort of your best friends firm grip, grounding you, keeping you in the present.

“Okay,” you mumble with a nod as you lean against the soft cushioned chair and close your eyes, luckily not as tired and cranky as before now that coffee flowed through you. You relax, unclench your jaw, take a deep breath and then a smile comes to your face that you can’t suppress. 

“There is a memory, but it’s like a fragment, almost.”

“Let’s see it,” Wanda says as she squeezes your hands.

Nat, Sam, Steve and Bucky are all sat silently and patiently in the adjacent room behind the two-way mirror, waiting for the memory to be projected into their heads so they can see it too, so Bucky can see it too, so he can remember it like he remembers the other memories after seeing them,  _ feeling them _ .

-

The walls are bright blue in the bedroom, bright yellow sheets and thick comforters, you’re awake, it’s early morning and he’s still asleep. Winter is beside you, shirtless, messy hair splayed on the pillow. You turn on your side and watch him sleep, his chest moves with each deep breath, a smile comes to your face as you wiggle closer to him, cuddle up against his side and wrap your arms around his chest.

He wakes and kisses you on your forehead once, you move up climbing on top of him and kiss him twice, once on each cheek. He smiles and lets out this quiet whisper of a laugh since it’s still so early before kissing you three times, one on each cheek and then a long kiss to your lips, a good morning kiss, and an I missed you so much while I was sleeping kiss.

You two did that every time and you didn’t know why, or how it started but you wished it never ended. He’d do it when he woke up, while you cooked breakfast, before bed, whenever you walked into the room. It was overkill but that’s what you both needed, ** a high saturation of love in a short time** , you didn’t get the luxury of a slow love, of getting to know u can kiss that person however many times you want for the rest of your life.

“I wish I could marry you,” he mumbles against your mouth and you smile.

“I know, you said that in Paris remember?”

“I know, and I know that was so early, but I meant it then and I mean it now.”

“Oh, the legal mess that would be.” You joke as you kiss his cheek and then fall to lie beside him, still being held in his arms, tucked against him.

“What kind of ring would you want, if you could have anything?” He asks, and it’s all make-believe, its all pretend but it’s still nice.

“As much as do I like shiny things, I’d marry you right now if you rolled a piece of paper and taped it to my finger? As long as you let me do the same to you.”

“Paper Rings?” He asks with this bashfull childish smile.

“Yeah,  _ paper rings _ ,” you hum in agreeance, “it’s all I need.”

Winter sits up in the bed leaving you lying down so you come up behind him and wrap your arms around his shoulders, clinging onto his back as he gets up and walks over to the window and opens the blinds, there’s ice on the glass and snow on the window sill.

“Still winter,” he complains.

“It’s your season, don't look so sad.” You whisper before playfull biting his ear, wrapping your legs tight around to the front of him.

“I’d much prefer to be in yours, we have a house with a pool in the backyard and it’s been cold since we’ve gotten here.”

“Oh is the enhanced super-soldier scared of a wittle bit of cold!” You tease and he playfull drops you to your feet. You grab his arm and start dragging him out of the room.

“I'm not scared of the cold, it just won’t be enjoyable...”

“You know what will be?” You ask as you playfully pull him downstairs, he willingly trails behind you until you’re both stood in your thin pyjamas, bare feet on the icy ground looking into the pool. It’s got a thin layer of ice on the top that shatters when you poke your foot into it, the water looks so perfectly blue and clear and  **cold** . 

“What?” He asks, waiting for the answer you left hanging.

“The bath we take together after?” You say as you raise a brow, smile at him and then jump into the icy outdoor pool, he jumps in after you making a big splash. The thin layers of ice wash away and the cold shocks your skin, prickling and tickling up your spine, your teeth clack together as you smile at him and splash him. 

He wraps his hands around your waist and pulls you under, kissing you underneath the water before bringing you back to the surface. His metal arm feels extra cold against your back before he lifts you and places you on the ledge of the pool, quickly climbing out himself and then trying to avoid the snow and icy patches on the ground as you both walk back inside. To the warm bath that’s calling your names.

“The things I do for you,” he mumbles as he follows behind you, leaving puddles through the house to the bathroom, you start the tap and peel off your cold wet clothes placing them in the sink and throwing some bubble bath into the tub.

“What are these things you’ll do for me huh?”

“Anything,” he says as he looks in your eyes intensely before breaking into a wide grin, “I’m with you, even if it makes me  _ blue _ .” He jokes through clattering teeth, peering over your shoulder at the tub, you pull him in carefully, moving so he’s sat behind you and you can lay against his chest, the water is hot and it burns a little at first. It’s a welcome sensation as Winter places his cold lips on your shoulder for a long sentiment of a kiss before placing his chin there and just holding you close as the water and bubbles fill the tub around you.

“You’ve gotten yourself a few good ones already,” he whispers as his finger traces the scars on your back, some faint and faded some not, but none are fresh, for that is not your life anymore.

“I wish you never had to live through that life with me, I wish it was just this the whole time,  _ just normal _ .”

“Well without all of the fights and without all these flaws, we wouldn't be here right now.”

“Hey, I didn’t say they were flaws,  _ first of all _ , but I Wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else with anyone else.” He says as he kisses across your shoulders again.

\--------

His hands travel to your front, they slide in the water against your wet skin, his palms on your thighs pushing them apart slowly as he kisses the side of your neck. You grab his thighs that are on either side of you with your hands, gripping into his skin with a squeeze anticipating the path you know his fingers are on, his metal hand is still cold, his other is warm, his metal one grips your thighs tight as the warm one travel, slides between your legs and pushes a few fingers in easily.

You lean your head back and he can’t help but chuckle at how easy this is with you. Falling apart like jelly in his hands.

You’re laid back against him, your head against his collar bone, he watches your face looking down at you, smiling mischievously as he pushes the fingers in and then out before bringing his metal hand to your clit, rubbing gentle and quick circles. You moan his name, weak compliments and oh my’s leave your lips with each expert move of his fingers, he knows your body so well now.

It isn’t long before your coming undone on his fingers, your grip on his thighs loosens, he’ll have faint bruises there tomorrow, you let out this little puff of air and it makes him laugh.

“Are you enjoying yourself?”

“Yes, as you said, wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else,” you hum happily, he kisses your temple and then relaxes into the bubble bath with you in his arms, you’ll stay there until the water has gone cold, but you don't mind.

\------

When the memory ends it leaves you feeling empty inside, a hollow shell of your past self, a fraud in your own body. You would kill to go back in time and infinitely live in those moments with him, to be  _ peaceful _ .

“Wait, Winter, I um,  _ Bucky _ , said he’d wouldn't wanna be anywhere else, but where was  **there** , I mean, if you both enjoyed being where ever that was then why did you leave?” Bruce stutters as he fumbles through his question.

You had this dopey smile on your face that instantly faded when you remember what you were remembering,  **where you were remembering** , how you got there and why you left, your breathing picks up, anxiety pricking up your spine and filling your gut with this unease, this horrible horrible realization that you’d nearly forgotten about in the glory of the moment.

Your silence makes them wonder more, Wanda prods you again for answers.

“Spring? Where was that?” She asks and you gulp, swallow your pride and nearly bite your tongue before saying the word that’s so strong it has a feeling attached to every syllable.

“ ** _Cornelia street_ ** .”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Check out my Tumblr @swellwriting for more :))


	10. Cornelia Street

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Some memories are more painful than others, some safehouses aren't as safe as you’d think.
> 
> Warnings: Angst, heartbreak and violence. Mature themes
> 
> Word Count: 4.3k

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look… I’m sorry. To make up for the angst there are lots of kisses.
> 
> This is one of my fav parts so far tho lol :))

** _“Cornelia Street.”_ **

The words echo through your mind, everyone else in the room looks perplexed. Cornelia street was just some street in New York, a street filled with apartments.

“How did you get there?” Bruce asks curiously.

“It’s a long story,” you mumble.

The group sat in the adjacent room, Nat, Bucky, Steve and Sam are all sat in silence on the edge of their seats, well all except Bucky, he is slouched over. The street name rattles through his head shaking his memories from just the word, just the mention of the location is enough to make his hands shake. He is starting to remember on his own, he shakes his head, it’s easier on his mind when he just relives your memory rather than trying to piece his together on his own.

Wanda holds her hands out and you take them, squeezing them for a moment. “If it’s not too much, you could show us?” She asks so sweetly not wanting to push you too far.

You just nod and voice a warning, “there are parts you might not want to see, there are parts  _ I don't want you to see _ , more than just the overly intimate moments you’ve seen before this is, I consider this both the _ highest _ and  ** _lowest_ ** points of my life.”

“Spring, we trust you, anything you did under their influence was not your fault.”

You offer her a weak smile before closing your eyes.

-

You and Winter were in the back of a long black limo, leaving a high brow elegant event, you had a long fancy dress on and Winter was wearing a tuxedo that made your heart skip a beat, playing characters for the night.

But that was over now, you would be back to leggings and tac suits and ammo belts by morning.

It doesn't help that you and Winter are both extremely intoxicated, you had been drinking these drinks that the bartender recommended and something about the combination of the drinks had actually overpowered your healing serum, temporarily allowing you to become intoxicated. So you were not to blame for your messy thoughts and travelling hands in the backseat of this limo.

Winter kisses your neck as you lay across his lap lazily, clinging to him and pulling his bowtie loose.

“You’re driving me crazy in this dress doll,” he mutters against your collars bone.

“Doll?” You ask with a giggle, he’s never called you that before, it sounds comfortable on his lips.

“I don't know, just slipped out, you don't like it?”

“Love it.” You said and then laughed loudly, you crawled over to the window and seeing all the apartments in New York made you remember.

“Winter, remember when I asked you to run away with me, and you said  _ not yet _ .”

He hums in agreeance before pulling you back onto his lap.

“If I asked you again would you say yes this time?” You practically beg as you run your hands down his chest.

“Where would we go?”

“Remember when I  _ accidentally _ broke that computer a few months ago, it was because I had found an apartment online, I transferred funds and rented it and then forgot about it, I broke the computer to cover my tracks and they never found out, so we could go there.”

Maybe its the alcohol combination coursing through both of you, maybe it’s the love that’s overflowing this limo, maybe its the taste of freedom on your tongue that has you both agree to this. He grabs the back of your neck pulling you in for a searing kiss before you pull away. 

The driver is a feeble man, he’s only got a gun to protect himself because Hydra has too much faith in Winter, they think they control him so much that he would never betray them, even when paired with you.

Hydra thinks Winter doesn't love you, and though they didn’t want to pair the two of you for this mission they were not scared of losing him to you or losing both of you. They underestimated you.

You pull one strap of your dress down and make your way to the window, sliding it open and smiling at the driver.

“Hey, Mr. Driver?” You ask and then fake a pout.

He stutters as he responds to you, clearly nervous, “yes, ma’am?”

“This guy back here is being sooo annoying, mind if I come sit up there with you?” You ask, trying to be as teasing as you can while also slurring your words and batting half-lidded eyes at him.

“S-sure.”

You smile and then slide your body through the sliding window, squirming your way through and then falling into your seat. You sit ever so close to him, ignoring any seat belt as you just smile, place a hand on his thigh and bat your eyelashes.

His hands holding the wheel shake and you love this part so much. Like a snake about to strike its prey, it’s like buttering up a meal before you go in for your first bite, it’s very pleasing, and you do it so well.

Winter waits patiently in the back, just behind the window so he can hear and step in if you need him, but you don’t.

You reach behind your back, grab your knife from the back of your dress tucked against your spine and smile at the man as you bring it up and slit his throat deep. His blood pours down his clothes and coats your hand, spills onto your dress.

The man coughs, a meagre attempt to breathe as he looks at you with wide shocked eyes, he should have known better than to let his guard down on a trained assassin just because she was a pretty girl with starry eyes.

You quickly move to take control of the limo and Winter slides himself through the window and into the front beside you.

“What a mess you’ve made.”

“I like making messes of men, they deserve nothing more than slow deaths.” You say, happy and in a good mood, satisfied having killed another Hydra agent, even if he was just a driver, he deserved death just as any of them do.

“Even me?” He jokes as he pushes the man’s body to the far side of the front seat, allowing you full control of the limo as you drive towards the river.

“I could never hurt a hair on your head baby,” you tease with a smile, looking away from the road for a moment to tousle his long hair getting a bit of blood in it, he moved the body so he’s already pretty covered in it, your nice outfits bloodstained and ripped from crawling through the window, figures you two would ruin anything nice.

You drive up to the river as Winter rips the brake lines out and fixes the car to accelerate, he buckles the body into the seat and you look at each other longingly, he kisses you on the cheek before he yells, “now!” Both of you jump out of the opposite doors rolling into the street.

You are lying on the concrete as you watch the limo sink into the river, the river moving so fast it would take the car and the body far away from here and drown it deep below the surface, perfect.

Winter walks over to you, offering you a hand and helping you up, he fixes the strap on your dress and you try to wipe your bloody hands on the sides of your dress. 

“Guess there’s no turning back now,” he comments and you turn to him, grab the sides of his suit jacket and pull him close, speaking almost against his lips.

“Having regrets?” You tease.

“Never,” he mumbles and kisses you harshly, putting his hands in your hair and his tongue down your throat, you would take him right here if you could but having sex at a crime scene wasn’t the best idea.

You walk down the streets, it’s dark, the streetlights, the few that weren’t burnt out were like arrows heads leading you home, to your  _ new home _ . And thankfully it was dark and late into the night, the streets were empty and anyone who saw you two would see a drunk couple in love and stumbling home, they wouldn't notice the tears in your dress, the scrapes on your knees or the blood that’s stained your dress and is smeared on your hands and in your hair.

This was like a fresh page of a new book, filling in the pages of the story of your new life with every step you took, walking hand in hand down these roads that are so foreign to you, in a situation with Winter that’s so new,  **so free** .

Every doubt in your mind is long gone, the doubts that Strucker had placed there, that Winter was just a brainwashed soldier incapable of love, the real him, whoever that was, was breaking through. He was breaking free and that real person underneath loved you, he really  _ loved you _ .

As you stand in front of the house, hand in hand looking up at this fortress of a building, the peak of privacy, like a stone miniature castle in the middle of new york, you couldn’t be happier. Winter picks you up, the way a bride gets carried on her wedding day and brings you inside, careful not to get blood or dirt over your new home.

-

This was bliss, this was truly what happiness felt like, you hoped you would never lose Winter, you hoped this would never end between the two of you. You left the windows open wide, autumn air fills the rooms, you wore his jacket around your shoulders as you sat on his lap on the back balcony, looking into the backyard and sipping the coffee he had made you just perfectly. 

Feeling wooden floorboards on your bare feet when you first woke up, dancing barefoot in the kitchen at 3 am when you couldn’t sleep and Winter was making you a snack, it was these wonderful  _ secret new beginnings _ , there were no cameras watching you, the windows were made for you to look out and not for others to peek in, it was yours completely,  ** _it was safe_ ** .

-

The memory ends abruptly as you fall out of your seat and to the floor, your head spins and you feel like you are about the throw-up. The mere idea of where the memory was going was enough to make you sick, you can barely open your eyes. Everyone in the rooms stands quickly and Wanda rushes to your side.

The others in the room over have their hands pressed against the glass, eager to know if you’re okay, to know what could have happened to affect you so deeply.

Tears stream down your face as you mumble to yourself.

“I can’t’, I can’t do it, I can’t-” you repeat and shake your head, Wanda pulls you off the ground and into a hug, you cling to her like you’re in the middle of the oceans and she is your life raft; like you cling to  _ sanity _ .

The memory is so traumatic you had tucked it far away, never thought about it and the idea of reliving it in your mind threw your body into shock.

Wanda calms you down, she rubs your back and then brings you back to your chair, standing above you and rubbing the sides of your arms.

“If it’s too hard to share the memory you don't have too,” she says, brushing your hair out of your face and wiping your tears.

Bucky’s hands shake in the other room as he watches, he thinks he knows where this is going but at the same time he isn’t sure and he’s getting frustrated at the fact that something that’s affected you so deeply does not resonate with him enough that he can remember it on his own. He is angry with his own mind and the lack of control he has over it. He squeezes the sides of his chair until the armrests snap off, Nat sits down beside him and places a hand over his, trying to calm him down too.

They had no clue where this story was going.

“Spring, we can call it a day if you need to,” Wanda asks again.

“No!” You cough out through your tears and take a few slow deep breaths.

“I'm sorry I lost it for a minute, I’m okay now, I'm good it’s important it’s an important piece,” you pause and look up at Bruce and Wanda.

“ _ It’s when everything changes _ , I can do this.” You say and continue your deep breaths until your heart rate is back to normal.

Nat, elbows Steve who notices Bucky’s distressed state and takes Nat’s seat, sitting close to his best friend and placing a hand on his arm, silently being there for him without asking him why he is so stressed, he is about to find out himself.

Nat walks into the room and kneels behind your chair, she brushes your hair to the one side and hugs you from behind before leaning back and just offering you a friendly presence as Wanda holds your hands again.

“Hi, Nat,” you say weakly and she smiles, she understands what it’s like to reflect on your past life, the past traumas and mistakes you made, you’re glad she’s here with you.

“Hey hun,” she whispers and her voice is soothing in its own right, “you got this.”

And with that, you close your eyes, take a deep breath and try to remember where your mind was taking you.

-

A few months later, not long after the morning, you went into the pool, you awoke to noise from outside, a commotion that you could just barely hear. You sit up and notice Winter got awoken too.

You don't think anything too serious of it, he goes to look at the window but it rained ice the other day so the window is frozen solid he can only see shapes and colours faintly. Winter walks downstairs, he has no shoes on, he’s wearing loose grey sweat pants and no shirt, you follow behind him, all you have on is a short silky nightgown, you tiptoe behind him, curious to find out what’s going on.

You had been living in your own bubble so much so that the fear of Hydra finding you had escaped your mind. And Winters too. The assassins in you had fallen dormant, and as he opens the front door to see what going on outside you scream.

Your wonderful home, your safe place, is entirely surrounded, the street has been evacuated and Strucker is stood at the front with this stupid grin on his face that says, ‘i win’.

“No, no no no.” You take a few steps back as Winter slams the door shut and turns to you. He holds you close and kisses all over your face as you mutter words of panic and disbelief.

“It’s, okay, we will be okay just don't do anything drastic okay. Remember they need us, they are here because they need us, they won’t hurt us at all. We will go out there and be fine.”

“We can get away, we can kill the people in the car on the far left and take their car and get away.

“Spring, I’m not going to lose you.”

“If they capture us consider me lost anyways, I am going to get away from here with you or I am going to die trying, please tell me you’re with me.”

The door gets blown open and Winter kisses you one last time before he turns to put his hands up, you try to grab his arms and pull him back as he steps towards the door.

Once your outside he makes a run for the car but Strucker brings a megaphone to his mouth, you run after Winter trying to cover his ears knowing exactly what the man is about to say but Winter is too busy taking a gun from one of the men and shooting two down.

“Winter!” You yell, “don't listen to him.”

He turns to you confused and then Strucker’s voice booms through the air.

“ Longing. Rusted. Seventeen. Dawn. Stove. Nine. Kind-hearted. Homecoming. One. Freight car.” You scream to drown him out as two soldiers grab your arms and pull you back covering your mouth with their hands. You bite at their fingers drawing blood.

“Winter no, look at me, Winter! Look at me please, it’s not you, your not him you don't have to listen, please!” You yell and yell as Winters’ eyes meet yours in a bone-chilling gaze, _ they got him _ .

You disarm the two men holding you and grab their knives stabbing them and slitting their throats, you roll and attack the next two men who come for you trying to make your escape.

“Asset number one-” Strucker yells and hearing the way he addresses him stings your heart, “ **shoot to detain** .”

And just like that Winter looks at you with that cold unloving gaze, listening to orders like the perfect soldier they made him be. He shoots you twice in the stomach, missing any major arteries but it feels as though he shot you in the heart as you fall to the ground grasping at your stomach. The blood seeps through your light pink silky nightgown staining dark red splotches, the blood seeping through drips between your fingers, tears pour down your face as you look up at him, begging.

“Winter please, this isn’t you, soon the words will fade and you will realize what you’ve done please, listen to me,  _ I love you _ .” You cry and Strucker laughs, pleased with himself.

“Asset put her in the van and cuff her.” Winter walks towards you, drops the gun and grabs you with rough hands, dragging you into the van and shoving you in, cuffing you the bar in the back of the van and then getting in on the other side so he’s facing you, watching you with an expressionless face.

You wondered if your Winter was under there, screaming and fighting against the brainwashing, you wondered id he knew he just shot the woman he loved and threw her into the backseat of a van, back into the life that she hated.

“Winter please you have to break free, it’s me, it’s Spring you love me, you love me, you love me!” You repeat as you shake, clinging to your stomach. Another Hydra agent gets into the van as it starts to drive away and he smacks you in the head with the end of his gun.

“Shut up stupid girl,” he says and tapes your mouth shut.

Winter does not react.

The thing about these codewords, they only work for a certain amount of time. They are brainwashing techniques. So what Hydra does is they take you, fill you with the serum and wipe your memories turning you into their weapon but, sometimes weapons don't comply, the code words exist to turn you into a machine, one that does not think or feel and will follow orders at al times. Once the words wear off, usually they put the soldier back into the chair, but it had been so long since Winter had been shocked or wiped or brainwashed that the words started to fade faster than usual.

You watch him as the hold on his gun loosens just slightly and his face falls, he is starting to get his mind back but not his body. He looks over at you and you can see the sadness in his eyes, he’s starting to realize what he’s done.

You wish you could plead with him now, maybe he could snap out of it, but your mouth is taped shut and you’re stuck in a van, with Winter who is slowly realizing what he’s done, but it’s all too late.

When you arrive back at the base they take Winter straight to the chair, they will keep him there for days until every memory he has ever had of you is gone, and then to stop him from remembering they will plant new ones.

They made him forget who you were and then informed him that you are just another agent, an asset like him, he is to call you nothing but ‘Asset number two’ and he is not to socialize, work or associate with you. They tell him you tried to kill him on three different missions to take the credit for yourself, they fill him with distrust and hatred towards you. 

For you, they do not do the same. Strucker tells you the same thing he did last time.

“I told you to stay away from him, I warned you and what did you do? You stole our perfect soldier and ran away. You went and found yourself a little house and played pretend for a few months and what did that get you huh?” He asks and leans forwards putting his face right in yours.

You are tied down to a medical bed, your stomach is stitched and you’re on so many pain drugs that you can’t even form a sentence.

“We wiped his memories, and we made him new ones. I know before I said he didn’t feel emotions,  _ our perfect soldier _ . I guess that was a miscalculation on our part, thanks for pointing out the flaws in our asset to us. Maybe he loved you, I don’t know, what I do know is he doesn't remember any of that, all he feels towards you now is hatred, you are a competition in his eyes, you are distrustful and a bad agent. 

And before you cry and beg us to wipe your memories too, don't waste your breath I told you before, your punishment is having to live with what you’ve done. You hurt yourself more than we could ever hurt you. I will make sure you see the face of the man you love every day and I made sure he will never remember you, he will never love you and he will never be that person you loved again.”

He pauses and brushes his fingers across your face, smiling down at you.

“You are our property Asset number two, did I say you could fall in love? You do what I say, you belong to me and you really need to get that into your pretty little head.”

-

The memory cuts and your cries shake your body, the memory and the shadow of pain fills you as you clutch your stomach.

“I never wanna do that again,” you cry and mutter words as Nat holds you in backwards hug, placing her chin on your shoulder whispering comforting words in your ear.

Wanda and Bruce are both teary-eyed as they take in what they just saw.

It’s the kind of heartbreak that time could never mend. No matter whether you got Winter back, or you got Bucky to remember you and fall in love with you, you would never forget the way he looked at you so coldly as he shot you, the way he dragged you and threw you, the way he broke your heart.

“Maybe we can go back there, and bring Bucky there and see what we can find that can trigger more memories,” Bruce suggests carefully and you look up at him, wipe a tear from your face and gulp.

“We can’t, I burned it not long before you guys ran into me. I burned everything in the house, it’s just ashes now.

Steve squeezes Bucky’s arm and thinks about hugging him but when he looks at Bucky he hides his face looking away, there are tears falling down his face as he remembers everything he did that day, everything he did to you, he remembers how in love he felt, he remembers the horrible feelings of being trapped in his brainwashed state as he shot you and hurt you, he remembers gaining his consciousness back as he looked at what he did to you, he remembers the days in the chair before they got all the memories to go away. He feels awful and he isn’t sure what to do with himself, he roughly wipes his tears away as he leaves the room and rushes down the halls to be alone in his room.

For so long Bucky had assumed you were just some girl in love with him who he didn’t remember but now he wonders if what you really feel towards him is hatred, how could you forgive him for what he had done. There is no way you still love him, that you could love him again even if after all this was over and all the memories were back. He hates to admit that remembering his past with you had made him crave your love and affection,  _ crave your touch _ .

He wishes he could have rushed in the room you were in and hugged you and apologized and made everything so much better but he was scared, he was weak and he worried what else he had done to you after that and if it got worse, he wasn’t sure if he could live with himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!! Find me on Tumblr @swellwriting :))


End file.
